Just the Family Man They Are Looking For

Thank you for coming in on behalf of your family, Mr. Soprano.

Call me, Tony.

All right, Tony. We’ve narrowed the field, as you were told, and before we can make any promises to you about this television special, there are some questions we’d like to ask.

Sure. Our life’s an open book.

Good. Because it’s important, for the image of our special, that everything be on the up and up.

Sure. That’s the way I want it.

No hint of scandal.

Right.

Now, this business your family is in, waste disposal management, you said on the application?

Yeah, that’s right. What of it?

That’s sort of vague. Could you explain it, just a little?

Nuthin to explain. It’s a family business. My uncle, my nephew, close friends. We just, y’know, make a few bucks along with gettin’ rid of things that need to be gotten rid of. You could say, we’re doin’ a good deed by cleanin’ up the environment.

Anti-pollution and things like that, you mean?

You got it. Getting rid of vermin.

Isn’t it unusual for a legitimate firm to complete business transactions with paper sacks of money?

We’re old school. We don’t believe in banks, ‘cause they can be robbed.

Now, our information is that you are the real head of the family firm, even though your Uncle Junior, who just got out of prison, is listed as president. Any reason for that?

Respect for the elderly. I worship at the feet of that fine old gentleman.

Even though, according to a report we have, he tried to have you killed because you were getting too powerful?

Uncle Junior? Nahhhh. He’s a sweet old man, and I was really sad when they sent him up for not payin’ those traffic tickets. We’re a very close family.

Then what about that story of you planning to smother your mother with a pillow when you thought she was plotting with your Uncle Junior to have you murdered?

Me hurt ma? That sweet little old lady? Where do these rumors get started? I was just bringin’ in that pillow to put under her head. To give the dear a little more comfort. I wish she was here right now. I love her so much, I could just squeeze her t’death.

Then those rumors about you having a violent temper, of you raging out of control, aren’t true?

Where did that come from? I get a little ticked off at times, business pressures, family pressures, tryin’ to make ends meet, things like that. But violence? I don’t believe in it. Education--that’s what I believe in. Y’know, my daughter, Meadow, is about to go to an Ivy League college.

Yes, and about that. We have this report about you brutally murdering a former associate near a college campus.

Here we go again. Me and Meadow was just checkin’ out some colleges, and this guy I knew turns up dead, and they wanna pin that on me, when I was just up there tryin’ t’do the right thing for my little girl? I’m startin’ to feel like a victim here.

That’s not our intent. Even though that story about you having another associate murdered . . .

Another lie. He was cleanin’ his sports pistol, and it accidentally went off in the back of his head. A tragedy. I was depressed for days. End of story.

And your Uncle Junior’s associates who ended up dead?

I cried my eyes out when I heard about that.

And your friend’s restaurant, the one you reportedly burned down so he could collect insurance?

There’s a fire, and I’m to blame?

And the man we heard you brought over from Sicily, the one who savagely beat one of your business associates with a baseball bat?

He was practicin’ his swing, and the bat slipped. Can I help it if the guy loves baseball?

Now your sister, the one you call “The Bride of Frankenstein” . . .

I’m so glad she’s back in town.

Then it’s untrue that you wanted to punch her out?

It’s one of them sibling rivalries, is all.

As for this next question, it’s very personal, but it has to be asked.

Yeah?

Any truth to these stories about you having a series of mistresses?

Me step out on my wife? The mother of my two children? I’m hurt that anybody would think that. It’s just when you’re in a glamorous business like mine . . .

Waste disposal management . . .

Yeah, waste disposal management. It’s just that beautiful women throw themselves at you. But thank God I have the discipline to resist.

Well, that’s good to know, because there will be 50 beautiful women competing on this television special, and we wouldn’t want their looks to be a distraction.

Not a chance.

And finally, the prospective groom, your nephew Christopher? About reports of him being a violent, out-of-control drug head?

Utterly false. Christopher is a regular choirboy.

Excellent. I think we can say that we’ve made our choice for the Tuesday night special, Tony, and welcome aboard. You’re to be commended for your honest responses to this in-depth interview. Someone from Fox will call you later and tell you when the limo will pick up you and Christopher.

Sure. And the name of the show again?

“Do You Want to Marry a Businessman?”