LAUGH LINES

Back in the Saddle: “Wait till you hear what happened to me! You are not going to believe this. I have been away for a while. While I was gone, I had quintuple bypass surgery, on my heart. Plus, I got a haircut. After what I have been through, I am just happy to be wearing clothing that opens in the front.” (David Letterman)

Washington Report: “The presidents, always, in increasing numbers these years, come under attack on Presidents Day. They dig up stuff about their past; they were slave owners; Lincoln, they say, was gay. It came out today that George and Martha Washington, get this, met on a show called, ‘Who Wants to Marry a Minuteman?’ ” (Bill Maher)

On the Rocks: “Jennifer Lopez and Sean ‘Puffy’ Combs have reportedly parted company. Jennifer supposedly dumped Sean because of his recent run-in with the law and because she hates dating guys who wear more jewelry than she does.” (Ira Lawson)

What Goes Around: “Astronauts on the space shuttle Endeavour will continue with their mission to map the world. NASA claims this will once and for all prove that the Earth is flat.” (Gary Greenfield)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.