New Drivers’ Code: No Common Sense

Our current motor vehicle code is obsolete. I propose the following 10 changes to the DMV manual in order to conform with everyone’s current driving habits:

1) The speed limit signs will now solely indicate the minimum IQ required for drivers. (This might also help eliminate traffic congestion.)

2) A continuous red light will still mean stop, but with the following addendum: If your chances are at least 50-50 that you can make it through the intersection without inflicting major damage, you can go for it. (“Major” damage will be defined in a series of future court decisions.)

3) The bigger vehicle always has the right of way.

4) A yellow light is always the signal to floor it.

5) School-zone rules apply only if children are unable to leap from your path.

6) Driving with one hand is now recommended, since the other hand can remain free for obscene gestures, talking on the phone and balancing the checkbook.

7) Freeway driving in heavy rains: Make quick and continuous lane changes to avoid the rain drops.

8) Stop signs are no longer in force and merely indicate curbs.

9) The rear view mirror is no longer required. Instead, it will be included by most car manufacturers as part of the “grooming system” package.

10) Common sense will be stricken from the records.