LAUGH LINES

Frozen Asset: “An Arctic front brought low temperatures to the Eastern seaboard. It is so cold in New York that Hillary Clinton is sticking to her husband.” (Argus Hamilton)

D.C. Comic: “Michael Jordan vowed to overhaul the Washington Wizards now that he’s part-owner of the basketball team. Fans would rather see him play. Right now, he’s just another guy promising to clean up the mess in Washington.” (Hamilton)

And the Oscar Goes to . . .: “President Clinton played golf in Brentwood recently with Jack Nicholson. They were quite a sight as they walked up the 18th fairway together. There they were, the greatest actor of our time and a famous movie star.” (Hamilton)

Future Shock: “According to a recent poll, college freshmen are more stressed out than ever. There are just way too many brands of beer to choose from.” (Joe Kevany)

Up in Smoke: “[The national health department of Canada] announced an initiative that would require all manufacturers to put graphic illustrations of diseased mouths and lungs on cigarette packs. . . . Canada’s health minister, Alan Rock, backs the initiative, claiming cigarettes have been scientifically linked to more than 20 distinct cancers and diseases. Later, however, Rock lowered the number to 19 after he admitted that ‘looking really cool’ wasn’t actually a disease.” (Jon Stewart)

Busted: “The biggest snowstorm in four years hit Washington, D.C. . . . All nonessential federal employees were asked to stay home. You know, they’re nonessential, why don’t they just stay home anyway?” (Jay Leno)

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