Funny, We Don’t Feel Any Shame

Forgive us our unethical souls, Edward R. Murrow and Walter Cronkite, for we journalists have humiliated one of the enlightened among us.

In our zeal to record John Rocker’s historic trip to Queens, we sadly let down a colleague.

Fox broadcaster Steve Lyons dutifully covered Rocker’s appearance last week from the field-level boxes at Shea Stadium.

And it was the ever-vigilant Lyons, reporting from the Queens haystack, who pointed out that 300 reporters were present for the event.

“I was almost embarrassed to be a part of it,” he later told his on-air Fox buddies, glumly.

Shame on us, then, and shame on the profession we are so fortunate to share with credible journalists such as Steve Lyons. After all, who among us hasn’t pulled down his pants in an attempt to draw attention to ourselves--Lyons did when he was a player--only to be devastated when the Pulitzer Prize did not come?

And who among us hasn’t hugged and high-fived the subjects we are supposed to cover without bias, only to have some bozo exposing welfare fraud get all the credit?

It is an unjust business. We can only dare to live to the standards set by Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, and by Steve Lyons.

Go Boom-er: David Wells ought to take his own frequently dispensed advice--and lighten up.

He hated being Boomer, The Underachieving Fat Guy.

Now, he hates being Boomer, The Overachieving Fat Guy.

The only constant, it appears, is the Toyota Corolla under his shirt.

The Blue Jay right-hander, who is leading the majors with 15 victories, is upset with this week’s cover story about him in Sports Illustrated. The cover features an action photo of Wells, his shirt unbuttoned and his belly hanging over his belt with the headline, “The David Wells Diet: Chips, Beer and American League Batters.”

Fact is, if Wells stays with his current diet, they’ll have to airlift him into SkyDome every fifth day. But, that’s his choice.

He should know, though, that he was a lot more fun when he wasn’t taking himself so seriously.

Ruth, Justice and the American way: Everyone around the Yankees knows that it’s not the pinstripes that make the player, but what’s under them.

Take David Justice.

In a time with the Yankees that can only be described as brief, he’s already shown his new teammates what he has underneath--backward underwear.

Really. And Felix Jose had to tell him.

Justice could only look down and laugh.

“I’m going to keep it that way,” he said. “It might have [hits] in it.”

Leiter and lighter: Met left-hander Al Leiter is bright and witty, the kind of person for whom the Q-and-A interview format was designed. The Miami Herald thought so too.

From a recent article, two Q’s and two A’s:

Q: Allowed to spend one day with anyone in history, who would it be?

A: I’d like to talk to Dr. Armand Hammer, the baking-soda guy. I’ve seen him interviewed, and he’s done so many cool things with his life. Met rulers, kings, leaders, religious figures. He was a philanthropist beyond belief, and I’d love to listen to the stories he could tell.

Q: What five traits from other pitchers would you most like to have?

A: Tom Glavine’s command. Randy Johnson’s fastball. Jamie Moyer’s changeup. Greg Maddux’s intelligence. Roger Clemens’ courage.

Us? We’ll take Kevin Brown’s paycheck.

Chuck and duct tape: Poor Chuck Finley leaves Anaheim (with no contract offer), spurns Seattle and signs with Cleveland, everybody’s sure-fire winner.

Halfway through his own All-Star season, however, Finley finds himself and the Indians 10 1/2 games out of first place, fighting the determined Angels for the wild card, and watching the Mariners build a lead in the West.

The only justice in baseball, it has been said, could use a full-length mirror in New York.

After 14 years and only one real shot at a World Series, however, Finley won’t nit-pick over preferred playoff entrances.

“I’m not too embarrassed to make the postseason as the wild card,” he said. “They could go out and get a gallon of paint with a new color and put a wild-card banner on the wall. I’ll loan the team the money to buy that gallon of paint.”

Getting ahead: According to The Sporting News, Chicago White Sox pitcher Kip Wells named his new dog “First-Pitch Strike,” but still walks him.

The dog’s real problem, of course, is in trying to find an American League umpire who will call him.

Junior circuit: And the Ken Griffey Jr. stories just keep on coming.

You heard the rumors that he called ESPN to complain about Jim Edmonds’ air time.

You know that the best a trainer could come up with Wednesday night, when Junior sat out against St. Louis, was, “He is not feeling well, and that’s about as precise as I can be.”

But it might be news to you that the club is exasperated at his lack of hustle, and it apparently is a recurring topic of conversation between father, coach Ken Griffey Sr., and son.

According to a story in the Dayton Daily News, Junior went from first to third on a single Tuesday night and when he arrived he said mockingly to third-base coach Ron Oester, “Is that better?”

Sheesh.