‘Love Isn’t Enough’

Wendy Dornbos knew that the first year of her adopted son’s life was painful.

Tyler had traces of speed in his bloodstream as a newborn, was abused as an infant and was in foster care by the time he took his first steps, she said. Even so, Dornbos thought if she just loved Tyler enough, he would be all right. But it didn’t work that way.

By age 6, Tyler was hurting other kids and didn’t feel bad about it. He was full of rage and didn’t trust anyone, his adoptive mother said.

“One day I was at my wit’s end,” she said. “I had no idea where to turn or who to talk to.”

Now, adoptive parents like Dornbos have a new place to go for help, advice and comfort. Kids & Families Together was recently created to provide support for adoptive and foster families across Ventura County. The Ventura-based nonprofit organization offers education, counseling and support groups for both parents and children. It also offers legal help, referrals and advocacy for medical, psychological and educational services.

There are about 520 children in foster care across Ventura County. Last year, 39 foster children were adopted. Many of those children came to their new homes with a host of problems, including depression, anxiety and the inability to form emotional bonds, social workers say.

“Love isn’t enough,” said Beverlee Park-Sherbo, the organization’s executive director. “Genetics play a big role in the lives of adoptive children, and parents need to be educated.”

Last summer, Park-Sherbo, an adoptive parent and family law attorney, and Faith Friedlander, an adoptee and therapist, met at an adoption conference in Pasadena. They agreed there are gaps in Ventura County’s foster care system. Many adoptive parents aren’t educated enough on the effects of abuse and abandonment on their children, they said. And many children were unable to see siblings who had been placed in different homes.

So they sought out the help of social workers, teachers, judges and therapists, and applied for grants. In January, they received $100,000 from a private foundation based in San Diego and opened the center in Ventura. Social worker Daryl Uren said Kids & Families Together will play a big role in helping both foster and adoptive families. Uren said adoptive parents often don’t realize the emotional and psychological needs of foster children.

“They get caught up and swept away with the thought of getting their own child,” Uren said. “And they don’t really look at the problems the child has until those problems start manifesting themselves.”

Diana Caskey, who heads up foster care services in Ventura County, said support groups are a key service that the Human Services Agency has not been able to provide.

“[Groups] make them feel not so alone and so overwhelmed,” Caskey said.

At a recent meeting, Friedlander handed each adoptive parent a “survival kit.” It contained a rubber band to remind parents to be flexible when things don’t work out the way they expect, and a bandage to remind them to heal their children’s hurt feelings.

About 10 parents munched on cookies out of a heart-shaped bowl as they talked about their struggles to handle their adopted children. The focus of this week’s meeting was attachment disorder--the inability of children who have been severely abused to bond with people.

Friedlander told the parents to continue being affectionate to their children even when they are misbehaving.

“It’s important that they’re disciplined, but also that you don’t remove your love,” she said. “Stay connected to them.”

Dornbos said Tyler was diagnosed with attachment disorder about three years ago. That diagnosis was a relief to Dornbos, who thought her own parenting skills had fallen short, but the mother still faced other obstacles. Like battling the county and schools for the money to get him the services he needed. And persuading a pediatrician to treat him without a complete family medical history. And learning how to respond to Tyler’s anger.

“We hung on for dear life,” she said. “It’s invaluable to know there are other parents going through the same crises.”

FYI

For more information about Kids & Families Together, call 643-1446. For anyone interested in being a foster or adoptive parent in Ventura County, call 654-3456.