Or Maybe: 1-800- OUT2PASTURE

If you’re looking for somewhere to relocate, don’t ask the Greener Pastures Institute for advice.

Founder Bill Seavey, an ex-Angeleno, has shut down the 10-year-old company and is trying to sell his toll-free number, 1-800-OUTOFLA.

Seavey, who operated Greener Pastures for a while out of Pahrump, Nev.--my idea of paradise--staged seminars touting the attractions of rural areas around the nation.

He has since moved to the Central California town of Grover Beach and hopes to sell 1-800-OUTOFLA for at least $1,000.

“I’m hoping that a travel agency or bail bonds company might buy it,” he said.

Bail bonds company?

“It also spells 1-800-OUTOFJAIL,” said Seavey. (Only the first seven digits register when the number is dialed.) “And 1-800-OUTOFJAM.”

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GOOD LUCK: Molly Brockmeyer of La Canada sent along a typo-marred statement from the state Contractor’s License Board, which seemed to detail how homeowners should bargain with builders until the latter are worn down (see accompanying).

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SURE, MOTHER’S DAY IS PAST, BUT . . . : In the category of “Oddest Product Tie-In,” Felice Sussman, of Los Alamitos, nominated an ad from an auto parts company. “Unless,” she added, “the free movie ticket is for ‘Driving Miss Daisy.’ ”

Sussman also noticed what appeared to be a clearance sale of moms but actually refers to a car polish (see accompanying).

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A STORY ABOUT LITTLE CRITTERS: With the semester drawing to a close, Long Beach elementary school teacher Gail Schack was reminiscing about memorable statements by students. There was the time she told a group of first-graders she was going to teach them how to square dance the next day. She told them they could bring a scarf, a cowboy hat, and/or boots to class.

One puzzled boy went home and said to his mother: “Why do we have to dress like this to squirt ants?”

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DRESSING DOWN REPORTERS: The L.A. Downtown News is offering readers cash prizes for answering several fashion questions in a “Dress Up Downtown” contest, including: “Who has the best dressed office in downtown?”

Being a newspaper guy, I have limited expertise in this area. But I can pass along some of the fashion tips I’ve received over the years.

In the mid-1960s, when I was at the free-wheeling Herald-Examiner, a reporter staggered into his morning shift wearing his tuxedo from the night before. Another reporter pointed out that the outfit would have been less conspicuous if a phone number written in lipstick weren’t still visible on the partyer’s dress shirt.

Later, at the Times, I sat next to a bachelor reporter who wore black socks every day. He explained that he never had to look when he reached into his socks drawer.

Finally, another colleague warned me to make a final check any time I left the building. He said he spoke to a journalism class at USC and afterward a couple of the lads informed him his fly had been down the entire hour.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked.

“We thought you were doing it on purpose,” one student answered.

miscelLAny:

FreeCar.com of L.A. is taking applications via the Internet from people interested in leasing automobiles for free for two years. The catch? The cars will be plastered with advertising, a la municipal buses. Personally, I think current traffic conditions cause enough road rage without adding moving billboards to the freeways.