LAUGH LINES

All for Show: “At NBC, we’re going up against this ‘Survivor’ show. We’ve got our own show. Apparently, a group of people will try to survive for one month living in one of Al Gore’s rental properties. No water, no toilets . . .” (Jay Leno)

Speaking Out: “O.J. Simpson said he will do an online chat so he can talk directly with the public. He said it’s amazing how many people don’t know the facts of his case. At the last count, it was 12, plus the alternates.” (Argus Hamilton)

Step on It: “Jennifer Lopez told Teen People magazine that the secret to her sensuality is her feet. She says she always wears pretty shoes because men notice that. How many guys even knew she had feet? She could have webbed feet for all I know. How many guys are going, ‘Is that a strapless pump?’ ” (Leno)

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The Essential David Letterman

Top Things That Will Get You

Kicked off the “Survivor” Island

10. Shrieking, “This was a mistake, we’re all gonna die here!” an hour into Day 1.

9. Wasting entire first week building “the awesomest tiki bar ever.”

8. Touching someone else’s coconuts.

7. Your weight: 300 pounds. Favorite hobby: naked aerobics.

4. Mentioning the “island” is actually a large indoor set at Universal Studios.

2. Ocean always seems to be a little warmer right next to you.

1. Eating more than your fair share of rat.

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