LAUGH LINES

Census Consensus: “They say the average household will take 38 minutes to complete the census. And another five seconds to chuck it in the garbage after you realize that you are sending President Clinton your daughter’s phone number.” (Bill Maher)

Talk About Filling ‘Er Up: “The high price of gas is really forcing people to change their driving habits. I saw a giant Lincoln Navigator with two people in it.” (Jay Leno)

Wake-Up Call: “Shaken by the departure of spiritual leader Al Green, the Green Party will be represented . . . by Ralph Nader, who at this moment is still talking on the abandoned set of ‘Donahue.’ ” (Jon Stewart)

Not So Hard to Swallow: “The swallows have returned to San Juan Capistrano. There are two easy ways to know when they’re back in town: Hang out at the mission all day, or get in line at the carwash.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

One Man’s Binge . . . : “A survey reveals that college binge drinking is on the rise. Binge drinking is defined as having four to five alcoholic drinks in a row or, as Dennis Rodman calls that, ‘the pregame warmup.’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.