To Her, Bach May Be Next Big Thing

A woman walked into the Kasimoff-Bluthner piano store in L.A. and asked if she could play a few notes, inasmuch as she had left her own piano behind in the Midwest.

“She spotted a triangular keyboard and struck a note and then asked, ‘What is this?’ ” said owner Helga Kasimoff. “I replied, ‘A spinet harpsichord, the kind Bach wrote his music for.’ She shook her head and exclaimed, ‘What are they going to make next?’ ”

CLOUDY LANGUAGE: Nancy Davis of Placentia saw a flier from a garage that sounded as though it could increase the number of hydrocarbons your car is spewing out (see accompanying).

ON THE JOB TRAINING? A band whose hiring requirements suggest it could produce some real noise pollution caught the eye of Georgia Lee of San Gabriel (see accompanying).

THANKS BUT I’LL SKIP THE DESSERT: Carolyn Peterson of Canyon Country noticed a lunch menu with a not-so-tasty final dish (see accompanying).

O-O-O OSCAR: What with the missing ballots and missing statuettes, it’s been one mystery after another this year for the Oscar folks. Some unscheduled dramas of other years:

* 1996: When it comes time to name the Oscar winner for achievement in music (original dramatic score), no envelope can be found. Co-presenter Quincy Jones must leave the stage to get the winner’s name.

* 1994: The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences takes North Hollywood candy maker Frank Sheftel to court to stop him from marketing 10-inch chocolate Oscars. (Maybe the academy should ask Sheftel to replace this year’s missing statuettes.)

* 1988: Gustav Hasford, nominated for an Academy Award for screenwriting, is a no-show after it is disclosed that he has more than 700 library books, all overdue.

* 1984: KNBC-TV reporter Phil Shuman is thrown to the floor and arrested by Beverly Hills police for broadcasting from inside a roped-off area reserved for dignitaries at the post-awards Governor’s Ball in the Beverly Hilton. * 1983: A Polish emigre who won an Academy Award for best animated short subject is arrested after allegedly kicking a sheriff’s deputy while leaving the ceremonies.

* 1981: A man in a replica of a CHP officer’s uniform is arrested for sneaking into the Oscar ceremonies posing as television actor Erik (“CHIPs”) Estrada.

* 1974: Artist Robert Opel dashes nude across the Oscar stage. Actor David Niven, who was about to present an award, quips that Opel had revealed “his shortcomings.”

TARZANA OF THE TAPES: Michael Connelly’s latest mystery novel, “Void Moon,” offers a Tarzana gangster named Leo Renfro who won’t work with potential cohorts unless they agree to give taped statements saying they are not police informants. Since Linda Tripp betrayed Monica Lewinsky, he explains, “People have been setting traps right and left out there.”

His other precautions include never eating chicken before a theft, pulling off jobs only when the astrological charts are right and having his furniture “Feng shui-ed,” arranged so that it is in harmonic convergence. Alas, he says, the apartment still gives off “bad vibes.” So to neutralize them, he hangs I Ching coins from the ceiling.

His partner, Cassie Black, “thought it was a philosophy that could have come from nowhere else but California,” Connelly writes.

TRAVELERS’ TIP: After reading an item here about unusual museums, Richard Pierce of Burbank writes that anyone visiting Leeds Castle in England should be sure and see the Dog Collar Museum. Divided into flea- and non-flea collar wings, I assume.

miscelLAny:

One of my most vivid St. Patrick’s Day memories was being at a City Council session in 1993 and watching a lobbyist take a wad of bills from his wallet and laughingly proclaim that he was wearing green.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053 and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.