LAUGH LINES

Reel Versus Real: “At a White House dinner . . . the president introduced a video mockumentary of his lazy last days in office. The video featured a lonely president walking through the deserted halls of the White House--which in real life would often have been followed by giving Monica the ‘all clear’ sign.” (Jon Stewart)

Anything for Fame: Darva Conger of “Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?” will pose for Playboy. “This woman has dyed her hair blond, married a comedian and subjected herself to national humiliation. Hillary Rodham Clinton refers to her as ‘Mini-Me.’ ” (Argus Hamilton)

Drink to This: “A study [found a] link between cheap beer and sex. Isn’t that what they used to call spring break?” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

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The Essential David Letterman

Top Signs Disney Is Out of Control

10. Disney employees must have finger amputated so Mickey doesn’t feel like outcast.

9. They refuse to let Huey, Dewey and Louie see their Cuban father.

7. Pokemon characters keep turning up face-down in the Hudson.

6. The last time I said something bad about Disney, my heart exploded.

4. Daytime pass for a child under 12 is now $78,500.

3. In a nightclub altercation, Mickey’s thugs shot Stuart Little.

2. Tinkerbell? Implants.

1. Bill Clinton has been acting awfully animatronic lately.

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