We’ve Only Just Begun
News Item: Oscar winners Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie married on May 5 in Las Vegas. It’s the fifth marriage for Thornton, 44; the second for Jolie, 24.
Prediction: In the future, everyone will be married to Thornton or Jolie for 15 minutes. See timeline.
May 30, 2000: Thornton and Jolie end their marriage after 25 days. In their last marital act, the two hurl their Oscars at each other. Neither thespian is injured, but Jolie’s Oscar tears a hole in the couple’s double-wide trailer.
The actress leaves after realizing that “Billy Bob” is a character invented for the media and that “Karl Childers,” the idiotic slack-jawed character in “Sling Blade,” is, in fact, the real man.
“He drooled a lot,” sobs Jolie to her brother Jamie as a phalanx of media captures the intimate family moment.
May 31, 2000: Thornton weds Chloe Sevigny, who lost the best supporting actress Oscar to Jolie. Thornton uses the occasion to insist he is not the “idiotic slack-jawed” Childers, although he later admits, “Karl is a big part of who I am.”
June 5, 2000: New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani catches Jolie on the rebound. “I’ve always dreamed of a Hollywood hottie,” Giuliani explains to his stunned wife, New York mistress, a New Jersey mistress nobody knows about, and a phalanx of reporters. The marriage ends after Giuliani has Jolie’s brother arrested for stalking.
June 7, 2000: Declaring he’s done with Hollywood women, Thornton marries Jane Fonda on the re-re-re-re-rebound: “This time it’s for real!” The couple separates after a late-night showing of “Barbarella” on Turner Classic Movies.
June 8, 2000: Jolie marries Lech Benigni, the best Italian Polish Elvis impersonator in the business. Unlike past husbands, Benigni allows brother Jamie to sleep in a bunk bed above the couple. The marriage ends when Benigni leaves Jolie for a Priscilla impersonator.
Feb. 23, 2001: Thornton weds Elizabeth Taylor after she reads for his wildly anticipated sequel “Beneath the Planet of Sling Blade.” It’s Thornton’s 29th marriage, Taylor’s 11th. “I trust my instincts,” Thornton says. The union collapses days later after Taylor refuses to put on 100 pounds to play the edgy character “Granny Fat Hogg.”
April 2, 2002: Jolie ties the knot with Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura, her 57th husband. The marriage lasts until the next morning, when Jamie introduces the governor to the “atomic” pile driver move. “I thought ‘Gov’ was a real man,” says Jolie, as she collapses into her brother’s arms before a media phalanx.
March 3, 2003: In an unusual bid for an 88th wife, Thornton proposes to the recipient of the Best Supporting Actress category--weeks before the winner is named. The eventual winner, Frannie Mae Williams, who captured the academy’s heart with a tender portrayal of a opium-addicted, toothless, trash-talking 18th century Parisian courtesan, agrees to Thornton’s proposal during her acceptance speech. The couple splits two days later after she refuses to reenact her steamy Oscar-worthy scenes.
June 10, 2003: Jolie marries Billy Bob Lee, a Billy Bob Thornton impersonator, in a quiet Las Vegas ceremony. Jolie divorces Lee three days later, after she discovers he also impersonates her, her brother and
Dom DeLuise. “Too creepy,” says the actress.
July 4, 2004: Declaring his independence from dysfunctional relationships, Thornton weds Lorena Bobbitt. The two separate in less than a week, after Thornton complains he’s tortured by nightmares about a rusty sling blade.
Oct. 27, 2014: Jolie weds Cuba’s deputy foreign minister of security and torture, Elian Gonzalez. Fidel Castro performs the ceremony on pay-per-view TV. The marriage breaks up days later, after Jamie is plucked from Cuban waters by fishermen as he tries to enter Havana Harbor on a flimsy inner tube.
Nov. 11, 2014: Thornton weds Darva Conger on the WB special “Who Wants to Marry a Guy Who Plays a Slack-Jawed Idiot?” Conger dumps Thornton at a post-show media briefing, explaining she misunderstood the show’s premise. Conger adds she’s “extremely private” and that further inquiries should be directed to her agent, her business manager or her public relations firm.
Dec. 25, 2015: Jolie marries Anne Heche in a loud Vermont ceremony where Jamie serves as both best man and maid of honor. The marriage ends hours later during the toast, after Jamie refers to Heche “as a sad, pathetic home wrecker who is obsessed with my sister, but I love you anyway.”
April 3, 2016: Thornton marries Jamie in a tasteful ceremony in Tijuana. “We want to give it a try,” says Thornton, still flushed with triumph after winning his seventh Oscar for “Battle for the Planet of Sling Blade.” Jamie runs out on Thornton after learning that he wants to cast Jolie, not him, as the love
interest in “Conquest of the Planet of Sling Blade.”
Aug. 14, 2017: Jolie marries Answar Muhammad “Bud” Ericsson, a former New York cabby of Pakistani Dutch Indonesian heritage. It’s the first marriage for the groom, who speaks little English. It’s her 6,578th. The marriage sinks when, through a translator, Jolie explains who the guy with the spiky blond hair is.
Sept. 30, 2018: Thornton marries a begonia, the tropical shrub with asymmetrical leaves. “This time it’s for real,” says a teary-eyed Thornton, as he holds his beloved before a phalanx of media. Thornton storms out two weeks later after a bitter argument over a rash.
Nov. 18, 2020: To the strains of “The Way We Were,” Thornton and Jolie give love one more try. The union shatters after both partners agree to an “open marriage” that permits dating “any member of the animal kingdom and Jamie.”
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Martin Miller can be reached at martin.miller@latimes.com.