And, in Contusion, Readily to Swerve as Your Precedent

My fallow Americans,

Well, the polls are closed, and I’d just like to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you for your efforts in electoring me President.

I know they’re still taburating all the ballots. And I’m sure that Vice President Gore isn’t particularly eager to succeed defeat.

But I’ve been working on my accepterance speech for a long time now. So as I address you here today, I’m going to take the liberties of speaking to you as your new commander and chief.

First off, I’d like to thank the American public for showing such self-confidence in me. Your faith abstained me during this long campaign.

I hereby promise to work hand in arm with Bill Clinton and Al Gore to insure a smooth translation into the Opal Office.

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As you know, this was a difficult election from finish to end. From the early days of the New Hampshire primary and the Iowa circuses, I knew that I was in for a knockout, dragdown fight.

Back in 1988, when my father was campaigning against Olympia Dukakis, he told me that running for the presidency was not for the fate of heart. He overcame all the criticism and the brickbits from the media to win that election by a landmine.

And then in 1992, I had the unpleasure of seeing my father defeated by Mr. Clinton, even though America had just enjoyed many years of great economic prospecting.

These past eight years have seen the White House embarrassed by irresponsible behavioring that ultimately led to Congress’ calling for Mr. Clinton to be impaled.

He withered that storm. But it was obvious by then that the Democratic Party had lost the faith and competence of the American people.

It became clear that Americans were tired of having a president of low moral turpentine. Clearly it was time for this country to find itself a new leader of high fiber and integritude.

You were kind enough to offer me your enthusiastic and whole-headed support. I can never thank you enough for your generousness in donating millions and millions of dollars to my campaign coffins.

You stuck by my side, through thin and thinner. You understood the unfairity of the question when that one fella asked whether I was able to identify the heads of state of Iraq and Iman and Saran.

As we approached Tuesday’s day of decision, I knew that there were going to be media pindots who questioned my disqualifications to be president. It didn’t matter to these people that in the White House, I would surround myself with some of the smartest minds in the world to help me deal with the likes of Saddam Sassoon and the terrorist Bin Allan Ludden.

Fortunately, millions of you didn’t fall for any of that liberal rubble-rousing. The more I campaigned around the United States and Alaska and Hawaii, the more positive I became that Americans were anxious about electing a strong new irresponsible leadership as we enter into the 21st century and the New Milminimum.

Some of you voted Tuesday for other candidates, such as Ralph Nader from the Green Party, who is best known for his work as a costumer advocate. Well, I can’t default you for that. We’ve all known from the beginning that I wasn’t going to bat a hundred.

But as my wife and I watched the early returns tickle in, we could tell that the vote in the electric college was going to come right down to the wires.

We were optimistic about doing well in states such as California, despite the Democratic presence there of Sen. Davis and Gov. Feinstein. We also had a good feeling that we could pull off an upset in Mr. Gore’s home state of Kentucky.

However, I do understand the ficklity of voters. That’s why I took nothing for granted Tuesday, even as TV reporters conducted their entrance polls.

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Vice President Gore’s top aides are probably every bit as confident as I am at this moment that when every last vote is counted, he’ll be the one who is victorous.

In fact, for the next 48 hours or more, we may still be tallying up all of them absent T-ballots.

But I am declaring myself the winner of this election anyway, by virtue of my own pollters assuring me that I’ll be far, far ahead when the final votes come in from all 50 states and the Republic of Columbia.

Right now I hear one of those TV news anklemen saying Mr. Gore might declare himself the winner too.

Hey, who are you going to believe, I or him?

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Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to: Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, CA 90012. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com