LAUGH LINES

Assembly Required: “Here’s an odd story: Researchers in Switzerland say that between the years of 1944 and 1968, approximately 4,500 Swedes were given full frontal lobotomies--you know, where they just fry your brain. They later went on to create the Scandinavian furniture industry. Have you ever tried to put one of those stupid tables together?” (Jay Leno)

Losing Her Religion: “The bluesy new tune about Cher’s time in a Catholic orphanage labels the ‘Sisters of Mercy’ as ‘daughters of hell’ and ‘twisters of truth.’ The New York Post reports the Catholic League has slammed Cher’s bitter lyrics, saying she should be ashamed. See, there’s the problem. Cher had all her shame liposuctioned back in 1988.” (Mark Wheeler)

A Huge Blowout: “Goodyear announced that its tires are having the same explosion problems as Firestone tires. American tire buyers have no choice but to choose between the lesser of two evils. It’s like they never left the voting booth.” (Argus Hamilton)

Off the Air: “Welcome to NBC, which stands for ‘Nothing but Cancellations.’ . . . Almost the entire Monday night schedule is wiped out, canceled. ‘Daddio’ . . . is gone. ‘Tucker’ is gone. ‘Deadline’--gone. . . . People are calling it ‘Must Flee TV.’ ” (Leno)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732; or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, 90012.