LAUGH LINES

Two of a Kind: “You see the cover of Newsweek? They did a computer-generated photo. It’s half Gore, half Bush. What a nightmare this would be if this is a real person. You’d have a know-it-all who gets everything wrong.” (Jay Leno)

The Kiss of Death: “The Journal of the American Medical Assn. has published a new series of articles describing how we die. . . . For actors, the most sure-fire way to die is to appear in any film starring Pauly Shore.” (Jerry Perisho)

Man of Reason: “Pat Buchanan admitted there is no way he got about 3,400 votes in Palm Beach County. You know that America is going to hell . . . when Buchanan is the voice of calm and reason.” (Argus Hamilton)

Not the Best Bet: “There’s a story that while Will Smith was shooting ‘The Legend of Bagger Vance’ in Las Vegas he lost over $60,000 at the gaming tables in less than an hour. If he wants to throw money away, why doesn’t he just finance Kevin Costner’s next movie?” (Ira Lawson)

One for the Books: “Bill Clinton has already written his memoirs. They’re all done. How can that be? The guy couldn’t remember Paula Jones, said he never met her. Didn’t remember having sex with Monica. What memoirs? He doesn’t remember anything. What is it, two pages long?” (Leno)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, 90012.