LAUGH LINES

Mission Impossible: “Did you see that picture of President Clinton walking to his helicopter to begin his trip to Vietnam? Did you see who was with him? His mother-in-law! . . . That’s when you know you’ve screwed up--when your wife sends you to ‘Nam with your mother-in-law! Even Rambo couldn’t handle that one!” (Jay Leno)

Not on the Wish List: “A consumer group has released this year’s list of the worst toys on the market. . . . On the top of the list: the Florida Ballot Counting Machine; 10,000 useless chads sold separately.” (Jerry Perisho)

Losing It: “A man from New Zealand, who was flying from Australia to Los Angeles, was arrested as he got off the plane and charged with touching and poking the flight crew, shouting obscenities at them, and kicking the pilot in the groin. The [man’s] attorney says his client was just having a flashback after a recent guest appearance on ‘The Jerry Springer Show.’ ” (Ira Lawson)

“Job” Evaluation: “According to a recent poll in Great Britain, two-thirds of the English people do not think Prince Charles is doing a very good job. What job? . . . Is he waving incorrectly? . . . Is he not keeping the hand high enough?” (Leno)

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Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, CA 90012.