Trojans’ Script Is Much More Titanic Than Titan

I’d have to give a big thumb’s down to “Remember the Trojans.”

The directing is just dreadful, the cast a huge disappointment, and it ends on a downer with the good guys getting knocked off.

Based on a true story, this was supposed to be a predictable epic disaster, set in Corvallis, Ore., with the Trojans beating the Beavers for the 27th consecutive time, and in a stretch, featuring Paul Hackett in the lead role of dominating football coach.

I know critics have suggested using someone more qualified in Hackett’s place at USC, but Craig T. Nelson has been unavailable.

Somehow, the Trojans lost artistic control against the Beavers--maybe it was the wrong shoes or there should have been a change in quarterbacks after all--but Oregon State won, and the guy responsible for this colossal flop is going to have a lot of explaining to do to the people who put up the big money.

“I’m numb right now,” said Hackett, and if you listen closely to the tape, he does say “numb,” and not “dumb” as someone else suggested.

Frankly, the way things are going, if I’m Hackett--seen clapping on the sidelines on every miscue and looking as if I can’t remember my next line--I’m asking Coach Denzel Washington for advice.

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WHEN COACH WASHINGTON took his players to training camp, he had them run through the woods all night until they came to the Gettysburg cemetery, a reminder to his players he would bury them if they didn’t do what he said.

You didn’t see any of them running into the punter.

Denzel Washington saying, “We will be perfect in every aspect of the game,” is believable.

Paul Hackett saying, “We will be perfect in every aspect of the game,” is laughable.

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AS NEW TO the game of football as Coach Washington is, I don’t recall his team once being called for delay of game. But Hackett sends in a play late, it goes for a touchdown, and the officials take it away. Aren’t both men working off scripted plays?

The Trojans lost to the Beavers. John Robinson, Ted Tollner and Larry Smith at their worst never did that. I’m telling you, if Walt Disney Pictures had Coach Washington’s group of gritty high school players going up against the Beavers, they’d have won too.

It’s a good thing USC rallied to beat San Jose State. Consecutive losses to the Spartans and Beavers wouldn’t look good on a resume.

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IN HOLLYWOOD, YOU can go back to your charismatic reserve tailback, Petros Papadakis after he has suffered a concussion, give him the ball and watch him plow his way out of your end zone to save the day.

In Corvallis, you do that and you ought to have your head examined.

Forget about the play-calling that has the slow-footed tailback taking the ball three yards deep in the end zone, or the doctors’ numskull clearance to allow him to get hit again.

Unless this has been choreographed and shot using stuntmen, you don’t let a young man, who suffered a concussion one quarter earlier, return to helmet-bumping action at the goal line with the score tied.

“I shouldn’t have come back into the game,” Papadakis told The Times after his fumble led to the Beavers’ victory.

Even the guy with the concussion knew that.

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FACTS ARE FACTS, and UCLA continues to let its fans down.

Bruin fans are entitled to a free box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts whenever UCLA scores the first points in a home game.

The let-you-down Bruins are 0 for 4.

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“I WANT TO make it crystal clear that I am not pointing any fingers at Buck Showalter as manager of the Arizona Diamondbacks,” said owner Jerry Colangelo after firing Showalter.

No word if Showalter was pointing any fingers at Colangelo as he left.

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IT HAS ALWAYS been a concern, and one reason I stay away from Kevin Malone, but I believe it’s too late: Gary Sheffield has caught a severe case of Malone-itis.

It’s one thing not to be able to shut up, but Sheffield’s outlandish comments suggest one problem: He’s not in touch with baseball reality.

“If [Seattle shortstop Alex Rodriguez] was in this lineup next year, I’d say we would win the whole thing,” Sheffield said. “It’s not a matter of having any doubt about that--I know that.”

So much for Alex Cora, but after coming up with the big bucks to sign Rodriguez, would Sheffield be willing to take a pay cut to pay for fourth and fifth starters?

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ACCORDING TO A press release from UCLA--and is there anything more reliable than that?--if UCLA was counted among the countries competing in the Olympics, it would have placed 14th in the medal count.

UCLA had 18 medals overall, tied with Texas, while USC had 15.

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THE SAN DIEGO CHARGERS used all of their timeouts at St. Louis before the end of the first quarter--it was the only way they could stop the Rams from scoring.

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TODAY’S LAST WORD comes in a demand from Mo Vaughn to have his team make a serious off-season commitment to improve the Angels.

“I want to get ourselves in the best position to win as soon as possible.”

The first thing the Angels need to do is petition major league baseball to allow Vaughn to hit off a tee next year instead of facing live pitching.

This would let him cut his league-leading 181 strikeouts in half--OK, maybe by a third.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at his e-mail address: t.j.simers@latimes.com.