Spaced Cadets

This column was transmitted to us by Zandoor, whose home planet is sort of in the direction of the last star in Ursa Major’s handle. Zandoor himself is a medium-size creature who looks a bit like a crustacean with one blue eye and one green eye. In the right light, you still couldn’t mistake him for David Bowie.

We hope we can finish transcribing before the black helicopters arrive.

Your government is hiding something from you: Extraterrestrials have been and still are on Earth. In fact, if the Web is any indication, they’re common enough to have their own census category.

Any spacey tour should start with the Black Vault (https://www.blackvault.com), which houses thousands of government documents obtained under the Freedom of Information Act. Here you can find a CIA memo assessing the threat from “flying saucers” and military documents about an alleged UFO from Denmark that looks a bit like a wooden cookie mold. There also are documents from government UFO projects.

Big Brother’s Watching (https://www.bigbrotherswatching.com) has FBI files on cattle mutilations, often blamed on ETs, who evidently want it their way. There are also files on Roswell and a UFO section.

If you need more proof, Above Top Secret (https://www.abovetopsecret.com) once again shows how much the government is hiding.

Having trouble phoning home? Try Aliens on Earth.com (https://www.ufomind.com) with literally hundreds of links on UFOs, abductions, parapsychology and other things most people would classify as paranormal.

For photographic proof of UFOs, visit the Galactic Information Service (https://home.chello.no/~oalfstad/torealf). The site lets you choose among four languages, none of which originated off-world. How Earthcentric! More pictures (again with text only in Earth language) are at UFOToday (https://www.ufotoday.com/gallery). You can also report your abduction here.

There’s a photo tour of the Extraterrestrial Highway that goes by Area 51, where the Feds have been keeping so many secrets, at Parallel Universe (https://www.ufo-hyway.com/et-tour.html). The official highway sign has flying saucers on it so you know something is going on.

The World Wide UFO Reporting Center (https://www.ufosightings.net) has a U.S. map that shows where sightings and abductions have occurred. Oddly, it’s not interactive. Oh, sure, they can put an alien on Earth, but they can’t hyperlink a damn Web page. Also, either the ETs are on a long holiday or this page hasn’t been updated since April, the last posting for recent news.

The Center for UFO Studies (https://www.cufos.org) is dedicated to the scientific exploration of UFOs. If you think we’re kidding, try using the Temporal Doorway UFO Catalog Database Query. This site is Poindexter paradise.

At the International UFO Museum and Research Center (https://www.iufomrc.com), located in Roswell, N.M., natch, there’s a kids’ section with a dancing baby alien and this description of what happened in Roswell in 1947: “No one really knows for sure, but people who examine history, known as researchers, think there is enough evidence to suggest that a flying saucer may have crashed there in 1947!” Or, to put it another way, there’s absolutely no proof that a UFO crashed in Roswell. Oh, yeah, and on our world, people who study history are usually called historians.

But the pervasiveness of UFOs--and the threat of abductions--can’t be denied. So we’ll leave you with the UFO Detector (https://www.ufodetector.com), which sells an $11.95 device that will alert you to any UFOs in a 75-mile radius. That should give you plenty of time to put on your protective aluminum foil pyramid hat.

The truth is out there, according to “The X-Files.” It’s just sometimes a little hard to find on the Web.

Got a topic you’d like us to explore or avoid? E-mail click.here@latimes.com. You can find previous Click Here columns at https://www.latimes.com/click.