We Don’t Mean to Rattle You...

Rattlesnakes in the Bay Area aren’t shaking their booties before they strike.

Blame it on evolution. The snakes that do rattle are more likely to be killed, so non-rattling rattlers are busier in the baby department. There’s been a 50% increase in snake bites this year in the Bay Area, but not because of silent strikes. Weather conditions have produced a bumper crop of serpents.

People in Utah also are seeing more snakes, and we don’t mean the Olympic organizing committee.

And everyone in Hollywood knows about fangs, but the rattlesnakes keep mostly to the hills.

If you live near any wild area, though, it’s the dog, er, snake days of summer. Don’t expect to be offered any apples.

We’ll start our slither tour at the American International Rattlesnake Museum (https://www.rattlesnakes.com) in Albuquerque. There’s comforting news here, including that bites from venomous snakes in the United States are “very rare”--only about 8,000 a year. Um, for us, rare stops once we can’t use our fingers to count. Also, about a third of rattlesnake bites are dry--that is, the snake doesn’t inject any venom. Oh, like you never have commitment issues.

Bayou Bob, however, is definitely committed at his Rattlesnake Ranch (https://www.wf.net/~snake). Git along, little scalies. The Genuine Texas Souvenirs made us think more oil than snakes.

The Pigmy Rattlesnake Homepage (https://www.stetson.edu/departments/biology/pigpage.html) is brought to us by Stetson University’s Pig Team, which stands for academics need to get out more. But probably not at big-box retailers. The site tells us that since 1987, pigmy rattlers have bitten four shoppers in stores: three at Wal-Marts and one at a Kmart. Diamondbacks apparently prefer the mall.

Having a run-in with a snake while shopping for a $5 shirt made by a 9-year-old Vietnamese girl working under slave-like conditions for 15 hours a day could be upsetting. Plenty of people, though, seek out venomous snakes and keep them for pets. Well, cats are unpredictable.

Cruising the poisonous-pets Web sites was a real relief. We didn’t spot any neighbors.

At Melins Rattlesnake Den (https://www.geocities.com/RainForest/Canopy/3408) there’s a Goof Ups section where we learn to “Never ever mix venomous snakes and alcohol.” Duh. Everyone knows cottonmouths are mean drunks. Coral snakes just get sloppy. More horrifying are Melin’s own tales of bad luck with her reptiles. Let’s just say snakes check in, but they don’t check out.

More on captive care can be found at HerpKeepers (https://members.tripod.com/~mstt), which warns that it is not an activity for amateurs. It also offers this scenario: “If you were to walk into a room where some unwise person had dumped a dozen assorted free-roaming cobras and rattlesnakes, you could relax, put your feet up and read a novel, and watch them all try to hide miserably in the corners.” The novel would be “Fangs of the Serpent.”

Venomous.com (https://www.venomous.com) has more tips, plus the 10 deadliest snakes, all of which live in Australia. That just isn’t fair.

Also in Australia is Bryan Grieg Fry’s International Venom & Toxin Database (https://www.kingsnake.com/toxinology). Fry evidently is the Crocodile Hunter of venom, only unlike Steve Irwin, he seems to have a legitimate reason to be harassing wildlife.

Finally, please repeat after us: Cleopatra is not a role model. And if you see a snake in the wild, leave it alone.

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Robert Burns is an assistant Business editor at The Times.

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Connect: Check out past columns at www.latimes.com/click