An Intoxicating Idea--an Anti-Hangover Formula

Washington--When I was a cub reporter in Detroit, I once discovered an old, forgotten Michigan hunting statute listing nuisance animals that could be legally taken anytime as game. Right there along with weasels and coyotes and woodchucks were:

“House cats.”

The law was still on the books. No one else had noticed it. Clearly the decent and responsible thing to do was to show some maturity and forget I’d ever seen it too.

Well, after my front-page story appeared, some idiots started shooting cats. For weeks, the newspaper received enormous envelopes stuffed with heartfelt letters written in pencil accompanying pictures of all the doe-eyed children in Mrs. Notzlehoeptfer’s first-grade class holding signs reading, “Save our Michigan kitties!”

There is a journalistic lesson here: Sometimes, the interests of society are best served by withholding potentially injurious information, however intriguing it may be. I am thinking, for instance, of the existence of a pill that will prevent a hangover no matter how much alcohol you drink the night before, including enough to a) incapacitate an adult water buffalo, or b) cause airline beverage cart/toilet confusion.

I am no longer a cub reporter, desperate for attention. Even if the manufacturer had mailed me a free sample of this hangover product, I would now know the responsible thing to do. This would certainly not be to drop two of the capsules, per instructions, two hours in advance, and then consume two stiff margaritas (Cuervo Gold), three goblets of white wine (Hans Lang Riesling 2000), and four pints of beer (Boddington’s Pub Ale) while watching “Monday Night Football” (Giants versus Vikings).

Hey, you want responsible journalism, read Broder.

I don’t drink much. So my consumption on this evening was unusual, and deliberately reckless; in the interests of public health, I hasten to add that even though I was not pregnant at the time and was operating no machinery heavier than a TV remote, my actions were morally wrong and I will go to hell.

By evening’s end, I was completely jackhammered.

Throughout the night, I attempted to keep a running journal on my computer. Here are actual unedited excerpts:

9:30: In a scientific test to gauge my degree of inebriation, I just balanced a Hechinger’s yardstick on my nose for the count of six.

10: An osbservation: My 17-year-old son just dropped by on his way to bed and asksed if I was “smashed yet.” It is good when your children take an interest in your profession.

10:30: I did the yarstick thing again but it took two tries. The first time it fell into my mouth. Kids, remember: Drink, drive, die. This is a public service column, and I am an American hero.

11: I can’t find the yardstick. So there will be no yarstick test right now. Whoa, the yardstick test is a YARDSTICK for how durnk I am!

11:30: Is it just me or is Dennis Miller about as funny as Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, which is Lou Gehrig’s disease. I wrote that to show I can still handle complicated word stuff, but I typed it really slowly I admit. The Gaints are losing.

I think you get the picture. My point is that, from a scientific standpoint, I probably gave Hangover Prevention Formula a fair workout. Made from an extract of prickly pear cactus, it is not yet available in stores but can be purchased online as a dietary supplement, at about $2 a pill.

So, does it work?

I suffered no hangover. I suffered no ill effects at all, except for a disquieting feeling that I should have suffered. Avoidance of pain, I suspect, can serve as a healthful deterrent to self-destructive behavior. Some men will punch a wall in anger. Few will do it twice.

HPF’s manufacturer, Perfect Equation Inc., makes an enormous effort to justify the product’s to society, such as jillions of dollars in savings from sick days that are never taken, and so forth. The company even suggests HPF will help reduce liquor consumption by eliminating the “hair of the dog” day-after effect.

Maybe. But if you want to gauge what it’s really about, read the packaging. The very first disclaimer is as transparent as cellophane: “Warning: This product will not prevent intoxication.”