‘Well, Gee, Thanks for the Gift ... I Think’

Martha Stewart was busy making festive eggshell votives when we called, so you’ll have to settle for holiday shopping tips from less conventional sources. Actually, we never called Martha, but every product in this guide is real:

* When in doubt, give the gift of motor oil. This idea comes from a press release titled “Pennzoil-Quaker State Co. Offers Holiday Gift Ideas.” Because nothing says “I love you” like a quart of 10W-40.

* Hold out for last-minute bargains. For instance, if you’ve been coveting the new Victoria’s Secret Heavenly Star Bra, which is adorned with a 90-carat diamond and 1,200 pink sapphires, don’t buy it now. Wait until Christmas Eve, when the $12.5-million price tag will probably be marked down to a more reasonable $12.4 million.

* For sports enthusiasts, electric football is a time-honored gift. Line up the teams, flip the switch and watch the plastic players skitter across the vibrating gridiron. But until now, one element was always missing: a Goodyear blimp hovering over the tiny stadium. Introducing Hammacher Schlemmer’s indoor, remote-controlled triple-turbo blimp. Fill the $90 craft with helium, find a Dennis Miller doll and you’re all set for a miniature version of “Monday Night Football.”

* Beware of scams. Earlier this year, a British company released a CD of the minute of silence observed at Princess Diana’s funeral. Don’t be fooled! We listened to it, and we’re pretty sure it’s really the minute of silence following John Lennon’s death.

* Be safety-conscious. Although the surgeon general has no qualms about plastering warnings on cigarette packs, he has ignored the growing epidemic of people eating inflatable pool toys and portable furniture. Fortunately, several manufacturers have voluntarily posted warnings on their products. According to Consumer Reports magazine, the Sevylor Swim Ring comes with a label that advises, “This item not to be eaten.” Likewise, the WearEver aluminum backpack chair warns: “This product may also cause harm if eaten.”

* For the patriot on your list, you can’t go wrong with a pair of Tweeze With Pride Tweezers from MyBeautyBag.com. Decorated with hand-cut red, white and blue Swarovski crystals, these $23 tweezers are the all-American way to pluck.

* Books make great gifts, but sorting through the titles can be a chore. To narrow the field, you can use Oprah’s book club list--or you can use ours: “Jell-O: A Biography” (from the author of “Spam: A Biography”); “Extraordinary Chickens”; “Surviving the ‘Flesh-Eating Bacteria’”; “The Parrot Who Owns Me”; “How to Be Happy, Dammit”; “In Cuba I Was a German Shepherd”; and “The Holy Movement: Matters of the Colon” (we hope there’s not an audio version of this one).

* Don’t forget stocking stuffers. One of the best is the $91,000 Aquatic Pod Suite, a 150-square-foot floating home that features a king-size bed, central air-conditioning, mini-bar, stereo, desalination unit, shower and toilet. It can be docked at your favorite waterfront getaway.

* Resist products that objectify and exploit women, such as the Sports Illustrated swimsuit model calendar. Instead, download the free Butterball Turkey Ladies of the Talk-Line calendar, replete with photos of the women who dispense cooking advice on the company’s toll-free hotline. You can find the calendar at www.butterball. com.

* While wrapping presents, immerse yourself in the sights and sounds of the season. Plug in the Christmas tree, pour a glass of eggnog and sit by the hearth. If you don’t have a hearth, drop a copy of “Fire Sounds” into the CD player. Designed for gas fireplace owners who miss the sound of a traditional wood blaze, this 72-minute CD features “the pops, crackles and hisses” of a real fire--in stereo. Actually, this concept should be extended to other themes, such as “Grandfather Clock,” a CD for digital clock owners who miss the ticks, tocks and chimes of a real timepiece, and “Newspaper Page Turning,” for people who get their news online but want to hear the familiar crinkle of newsprint.