It’s a Sport That Keeps Everyone in Stitches

Dan LeBatard of the Miami Herald, writing about the toughest guys in arguably the toughest sport, professional hockey, says Marcus Nilson of the Florida Panthers, who has 50 stitches in his face, is just another guy in the locker room.

“His face is not ravaged any more than the ones on either side of him and certainly not as much as Robert Svehla’s.

“‘Svehla’s face is a road map,’ teammate Peter Worrell says admiringly. ‘Every team in the league has a guy like that, a guy whose face looks like a team of doctors were conducting a clinic on it. Scars are badges of honor for us. Chicks dig scars.’

“You think football players are tough? They are often bigger and stronger than hockey players, yes, but they play much fewer games, wear more padding, collide at much slower speeds and have the added benefit of being able to go out of bounds to avoid contact.”

*

Trivia time: When did UCLA last play a football game on Christmas Day and what was the result?

*

Time bomb: Tom Powers of the St. Paul Pioneer Press asks what happens to the Minnesota Vikings’ volatile receiver Randy Moss once teammate Cris Carter retires.

“Instead of screaming at his quarterback on the sideline, will he pull out a bazooka and open fire? Instead of loafing on any given play, will he spread a blanket and take a nap?

“Say what you will about Carter, but he has invested a lot of time in trying to keep Moss headed in the proper direction.”

It’s a thankless job....

*

Banker beware: Jeff Gordon in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch: “With the Tennessee women hoopsters in Chicago to face DePaul, Coach Pat Summitt was getting her credit card warmed up for action.

“They’ve got a Nordstrom’s right by the hotel,” she said. “I knew I was in trouble when the bus pulled up. Good thing I married a banker.”

*

Retirement home? The Chicago Tribune’s Rick Morrissey writes that Moises Alou is a fine acquisition for the Cubs: “The average age of the heart of the Cubs’ lineup--Fred McGriff, Sammy Sosa and Alou--is 35. Rumors persist that Sosa is not 33 but 54. None of that matters in Chicago, and that’s why Sosa, playing rush chairman, urged Alou to come to the North Side.

“The strangest thing about the Cubs’ fascination with veteran players, though, is that Baseball America recently voted the club’s farm system the best in baseball.”

*

Motivating factor: Paul Herbert, a golfer on the European senior tour, credited a recent improvement in his tee shots to his decision to paint Osama bin Laden’s face on the head of his driver: “The thought of that face smacking into a golf ball sorted me out.”

*

Trivia answer: The Bruins lost to Kansas, 51-30, in the 1995 Aloha Bowl.

*

And finally: Tim Kawakami of the San Jose Mercury News, writing on the top priority for the woeful Golden State Warriors: “Jerry West as team president, co-owner, chief potentate and whatever else he wants.

“Strengths: Only executive to have assembled two separate NBA dynasties could maximize roster that isn’t without merit but needs to be drastically reshaped.

“Might want back in after recent retirement and would like the short flight from his Pacific Palisades home.”