A Few Holiday Gifts for TV Folks

“Subdued” is the word for the holidays this year. Splurging on flashy gifts is out. But that doesn’t mean we didn’t pick up a few things for the people closest to us--including folks on TV, who, after all, are never far away.

Some of the items our TV friends should soon be unwrapping include:

* Cocktail swords and swizzle sticks stamped with the NBC peacock

* A moving van ... for Katie Couric. No, she’s not going anywhere. She’s staying put as anchor of NBC’s “Today” show. The truck is for hauling to the bank her hefty new salary (reportedly $13 million a year).

* A cold shower ... for ABC execs who aired that steamy Victoria’s Secret lingerie special last month, and for NBC bosses who have scheduled sexy counter-programming to the Super Bowl halftime show on Fox: a “Fear Factor” segment that promises to showcase the, er, gumption of its participants: Playboy centerfold models.

* A generous service plan from Sprint with lots of anytime minutes

* A Segway human transporter ... for Ellen DeGeneres. Traveling on one of those new gyro-equipped scooters is the only way she could have moved more smoothly through the delicate task of hosting this year’s Emmy telecast.

* The latest edition of Dr. Spock’s child-rearing guide ... for Bernie Mac, who on Fox’s “The Bernie Mac Show” becomes the reluctant guardian of his sister’s three children. A hilarious proponent of tough love, he won’t be reading the book. When the kids act up, he’ll threaten to whack them with it.

* A big bottle of Vitameatavegamin ... for every happy, peppy fan of “I Love Lucy” on this, its golden anniversary, so we can spoon our way to health while watching our favorite sitcom for another 50 years.

* A vintage Dumont 12-inch, black-and-white console ... to variety-show queen Carol Burnett, whose recent retrospective special on CBS got huge ratings and reminded everyone that, now more than ever, what viewers crave is the old-fashioned, reassuring balm of “comfort TV.”

* A plaque inscribed with that Yogi Berra chestnut “It’s deja vu all over again” ... for broadcast network programmers who came up with the idea of repeating a show only days after it first broadcast, rather than weeks or months later, the way things used to be. (Isn’t being able to watch “24” on Friday if you missed it on Tuesday what your VCR is for?)

* A one-way ticket back to England ... for insufferable “Weakest Link” hostess Anne Robinson. Merry Christmas and GOOD-bye!