If Lakers Go in Tank, Jackson Goes in the Tub

Given the choice of joining Jeanie Buss for a visit to Two Bunch Palms--”an exclusive hideaway world,” according to the Desert Hot Springs spa’s Web site, where couples can wile the day away in a hot tub--or spending a weekend alone in Philadelphia, what do you think it’s going to be for Phil Jackson?

The NBA All-Star game is in Philadelphia, and if the Lakers have the best record in the Western Conference at the conclusion of play on Feb. 3, Jackson will be required to make the trip east and coach the all-stars.

“I don’t know about Phil,” said Jeanie, who spent last year’s All-Star break with Phil at Two Bunch Palms, “but the odds are zero I’ll be in Philadelphia.”

Now I understand why Jelani McCoy was playing in the second quarter against Toronto, why the Lakers have lost five of their last nine games and why Shaquille O’Neal will be allowed to rest that big toe as long as he wants.

The Lakers proved last season they can turn it on any time they want to win it all. No reason why they can’t turn if off when they want to finish second. I mean, look at the predicament Phil is in--not a single weekend off from late October to some time in June except maybe for the All-Star break, and the little woman muttering: “We don’t seem to spend much time together these days.”

Then he looks across court, Brad Pitt is sitting there, and as Jeanie admits to me later, “Yes, every time I see Brad Pitt in the building, I squeal.”

Then there are 4.9 seconds left in the game with Toronto, the Lakers down by three but with the ball, the crowd on its feet, excitement in the building at fever pitch--and Jeanie remains sitting, reading a story about Tom Cruise in the latest edition of Entertainment Weekly. Leonardo DiCaprio and Andy Garcia were also in attendance--so you can see what the big guy is up against.

For the record, I asked Jeanie if Phil had anything to worry about, and she just laughed, but remember, she’s not going to Philadelphia. Of course, Phil isn’t either. If Las Vegas would take the bet, I’d wager all the money we’ve promised to spend on the daughter and grocery store bagger’s wedding that San Antonio’s Gregg Popovich will be coaching the Western Conference all-stars on Feb. 10.

Rick Adelman coached the West all-stars last year, and NBA rules prohibit a coach from working the game two years in a row, so it doesn’t matter where the Kings finish relative to the Lakers. That makes the job so much easier for the best coach in the NBA--all he has to do is make sure his team finishes a notch below San Antonio and he and Jeanie will be taking a mud bath together on Feb. 10.

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THE ROSE Bowl officials rented three event suites at Staples Center and bought 160 tickets for the Nebraska football team--at a cost of approximately $24,000--to watch the Lakers take on Toronto.

One of the players also participated in a halftime contest, and won round-trip tickets on Southwest Airlines--I can’t imagine anything worse than living in Nebraska and winning round-trip tickets. Anyway, I immediately contacted the NCAA in the hope these “extra benefit” violations will result in the entire team being suspended before Thursday night’s national championship game, which would correct the injustice of the Cornhuskers being here in the first place.

The Laker crowd booed the BCS-blessed Cornhuskers during a pregame ceremony, again at halftime and louder yet when the team was shown on the overhead scoreboard late in the game. This allowed me to save my voice.

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I KNOW the women in Nebraska are corn-fed and a little more substantial than our starlets, but the players lined up to have their pictures taken with Pitt, while ignoring Heather Locklear on the other side of the court. I’m sure that will make their mothers happy--I know my mother would have just loved a picture of Pitt--but still, you would have thought the guys from Nebraska would have enjoyed seeing a pretty woman for a change. But some of them even passed up Locklear to make acquaintances with Jon Lovitz and Ronald McDonald.

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USA TODAY’S Jon Saraceno, who writes a notes column the way it’s supposed to be written, tried the same line on 10 Laker girls Friday night, and while you might have guessed he struck out, it’s not for the reason you think.

He asked each of them if they knew who was playing in the Rose Bowl, and none of them was able to name both teams. Some failed to name Nebraska, and they had already posed for pictures with some of the Cornhuskers.

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THE FIRST 1,000 fans to cast an all-star ballot at Saturday’s Clipper game at Staples Center received a campaign button that read: “Michael Olowokandi for NBA All-Star Team.” Those who were not detected laughing, mocking or scoffing were allowed to keep them. Although the game was sold out, I believe there are still hundreds remaining.

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GIVEN THE combination of tryptophan in turkey and USC playing Utah in the Las Vegas Bowl on Christmas Day, some people are just now waking up.

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NEW YORK MAYOR Rudy Giuliani has worked out a deal to build new domed stadiums for the Mets and Yankees. I’m just hoping Los Angeles Mayor Jim Hahn takes the time to learn the nicknames of our local teams.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Vern L.:

“I know someone who grew up in Nebraska, went to USC and loves hockey.”

The devil, you say.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.