You Say You Want Resolution?

For most of us, New Year’s resolutions are routine: I won’t antagonize the wife anymore. I never want to eat again....

Of course, as Portland’s Bonzi Wells (“They can boo us every day but they’re still going to ask for our autographs if they see us on the street. That’s why they’re fans and we’re NBA players”) could tell you, your sports personality has problems that never occurred to you:

Shaquille O’Neal--Next season, I’m definitely coming in in shape. Unless, of course, I get hurt again, or Kawasaki brings out a new jet ski.

Kobe Bryant--It’s OK, Fire. Or are you Ice? When did we stop being Batman and Robin, or the Combo? Things were simpler when we didn’t get along.

Phil Jackson--My next book is on child development, dealing with the adolescent multimillionaire, with a whole chapter on their adventures in high school.

Leonard Armato--Remember when I got upset about the things you wrote about Shaq? Never mind.

Donald T. Sterling--I told you I knew what I was doing. What could go wrong now?

Lamar Odom--Who’s there? Oh, darn.

Karl Malone--I never said I wanted to leave, did I? That must have just been my agent--I forget his name. I’m fine, until the All-Star break, anyway.

Isaiah Rider--My next gig, I’ll definitely get with the program. Or not.

Pat Riley--Wanted: NBA coaching situation. Team must be major power in city of more than 5 million, preferably near a beach, media capital or both. (Dear Peter Vecsey, I got your headline right here: Pat the Rat’s Back and You’re Toast.)

Jeff Van Gundy--Wanted, NBA coaching situation. Team doesn’t need to be major power but city must be smaller than 2 million.

Don Chaney--Wanted, assistant coaching situation. Who needs this?

Spike Lee--No, really, we’re fine. Let’s see, whose jersey should I wear tonight, Shandon Anderson’s or Travis Knight’s?

Tim Floyd--Wanted, coaching situation. Will consider NCAA, junior college or high school. Team doesn’t need to be major power, in a big city, or any city. I promise, this time I’ll play the kids.

Jerry Krause--Another guy let us down, Boss, but I took care of him, just like the others.

Jerry Reinsdorf--Uh, Tattoo, I have some bad news....

O’Neal--And I’ll lose so much weight, I’ll actually fit in John Stockton’s shorts. Well, either me or one of my kids.

Ahmad Rashad--Wanted: position as broadcast journalist. I not only have Michael Jordan’s cell phone number but his car (Mike said to get it washed). My agent is accepting sealed bids.

Dennis Rodman--Wanted: Power forward gig. I’m an old-school guy who knows what it takes to win. Please forward salary in advance to Caesars Palace. My agent is accepting collect calls. Who’s there? Newport Beach PD? Come on in, bro, have a drink.

Mark Cuban--I don’t know who told you Shaq’s upset at what I said. We’re pals and he has a great sense of humor. Hey, Diesel, you not only couldn’t beat Godzilla in a free-throw contest, you’re fat and you dress funny.

Paul Allen--Bob, every year we seem to do worse and pay more to people who score less, or don’t play, or aren’t even here.

Bob Whitsitt--What was that? I was reading this fascinating book, “Introduction to Chemistry.” By the way, I couldn’t get to the ATM, do you have $25 million on you?

Scottie Pippen--What, me worry?

Shawn Kemp--What, me worry?

Mike Dunleavy--What, me worry?

O’Neal--And if Phil says one more @#$%{circ}&*! thing about my weight or my defense, we’re through, unless, of course, we win the next two games, in which case, never mind.

David Stern--Dear Dick: I trust our friendship hasn’t been affected by the fact that you low-balled me and I dumped you and now all you have is an Olympics every two years and the occasional golf tournament. Hey, why not bankroll your own football league? Oh, you tried that. Anyway, as they say in your new liquor ads, here’s looking at you, babe.

Dick Ebersol--Dear David: We here at NBC wish you the best of luck, which you’ll need with most of your games on cable. I only hope your new partners prosper the way we did the last four years. I even have a new slogan for you: “The NBA, it’s no longer ready for prime time.”

Dennis Miller--OK, so I don’t know anything about football I didn’t hear in the production meeting. Hoop is my game! Check this one: MJ’s comeback is like Ingmar Bergman doing “Barney!”

ABC Sports boss Howard Katz--No, Dennis, you’re too valuable in your present role. We’re thinking in terms of experienced basketball people for the NBA. Ahmad Rashad and Snoop Doggy Dogg will call the games with Madonna in the studio.

Jordan--I missed this?

Charles Barkley--Was everyone this nuts when I played? Hey, Mike, I’ll be there just as soon as I get down to 275.

Jordan--I not only won’t play that long, I won’t live that long.

Dan Issel-- Feliz ano nuevo , everyone, and to all, a buenas noches .

Faces and Figures

They’re dropping like flies out here: The Bulls’ Floyd resigned with a 49-190 record, a .205 percentage, worst in NBA history for more than 200 games. Brought in to absorb the punches as management let its dynasty walk, Floyd became punchy, finally splitting with GM Krause, who traded Elton Brand, cut his offer to Antonio Davis and instead got Charles Oakley, who turned their season into a living hell.... Players celebrated Floyd’s exit (Ron Artest: “There’s relief because we were losing and there was too much stuff going on between us and him”), then lost by 22 at Memphis and 15 at Dallas.

In Denver, Nugget management, the last to realize the futility of bringing back Issel, offered him a buyout, which he grabbed, resigning without appearing at the news conference in the city where he’d played and coached since 1976.... Nick Van Exel promptly announced he still wants to be traded. The Nuggets would be happy to move Nick but not Antonio McDyess or Raef LaFrentz, no matter how many trial balloons the 76ers float about getting them for 35-year-old Dikembe Mutombo.

Insiders say the diplomatic front between 76er Coach Larry Brown and Allen Iverson is a cover for the tension building between them. The Philadelphia Daily News’ beat writer, Phil Jasner, just ran a list of prospective successors if (when?) Brown bails.

No other coaches seem in imminent danger, but the interim guys, Mike Evans at Denver, Brian Winters at Golden State and Chaney at New York must turn things around to stay. Atlanta’s Lon Kruger and Portland’s Maurice Cheeks had better turn it up, and Memphis’ Sidney Lowe, Phoenix’s Scott Skiles and Toronto’s Lenny Wilkens aren’t secure.

Bottom line: Jobs expected to open this summer are those at Portland, Golden State, New York, Denver and Philadelphia. Top candidates include Van Gundy, Dunleavy and Brown.

Former teammate Bruce Bowen, now in San Antonio, on Alonzo Mourning: “I know Zo loves to play and that he would miss the game, but at what point do you say, ‘I’ve tried this and it’s not working and maybe it’s time to try something else?”’

Differing perspectives: Net Coach Byron Scott and Utah’s Malone woofed at each other. Scott said Malone had “no heart.” Malone said Scott rode Magic Johnson’s coattails. Then Kenyon Martin decked Malone with a Mailman-style tackle. Then the league suspended Martin. Then Net President Rod Thorn, who used to hand out these suspensions, said Malone was acting. Said Jazz forward Andrei Kirilenko: “In my opinion, Kenyon should come over and say, ‘I’m sorry.’ He should not look over and say, ‘

Gene Littles, who lasted 16 games (3-13) as a Nugget interim coach in 1995, to the Rocky Mountain News’ Dave Krieger: “Tell [Evans] not to crack the whip. I heard he had a two-hour practice and I was like, ‘Oh, no!’ You’ve got to get along with the players in that situation.”