This Wouldn’t Happen in Milwaukee

The beer song has gone flat. The Iowa marching band still plays the polka tune “In Heaven There is No Beer.” But the musicians no longer alternate their instrumental work with singing because a parent complained about the words.

“In heaven, there is no beer, that’s why we drink it here. And when we’re gone from here, all our friends will be drinkin’ all the beer.”

The lyrics sent the wrong message, Tom Aunan wrote last month in an e-mail to university administrators. “The message is excessive drinking,” he wrote. “I don’t think it’s right for our band to be promoting that kind of message to our fans, especially our young fans.”

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Trivia time: Who holds the NBA record for rebounds in one half?

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Confidence: This from Chris Webber of the Sacramento Kings, who are battling with the Portland Trail Blazers for the lead in the NBA’s Western Conference:

“I feel we have just as good a shot as any other team in the league to win a championship. I feel if you say Portland or L.A., then you have to say Sacramento. And there are no more ‘wells’ or ‘buts’ or asterisks that have to be attached.”

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Ah, to be young again: Martina Hingis says she might skip doubles competitions in future Grand Slam events because the singles matches tend to be so grueling.

“When you’re a kid you have so much more energy, when you’re 16 or 17,” she said.

Hingis is now an “old lady,” all of 20 years old.

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Don’t tell us: Fox’s Jim Rome, on why Disney people didn’t ask Ray Lewis where he was going after the Super Bowl. “Based on what he did after last year’s game, they didn’t want to know.”

And this from Dan LeBatard of the Miami Herald: “The Wheaties ad people certainly believe Lewis to be a cereal killer.”

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Mayhem: The XFL begins play Saturday, and in addition to a slew of rules changes from traditional football, there won’t be a coin toss.

The XFL will line up one player from each team on his side of the field, put the league’s black-and-red football on the 50-yard line and start the race. The first player to gain control of the ball--collision or not--gets his choice of kicking or receiving to start the game.

That is if he can still talk, or walk.

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Anywhere but here: Peter Vecsey in the New York Post: “A sure sign the Grizzlies are staggering. The city of Vancouver has asked David Stern for permission to relocate.”

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Tarnished: From the Caught on the Fly column in the Sporting News: “Think Stars Coach Ken Hitchcock’s heard enough from Brett Hull? The Golden Brat keeps yap-yap-yappin’ about clutch-n-grab game, and it’s like rubber off the pipe to his coach. ‘He’s the Howard Stern of hockey players. He’s a real-life shock jock,’ Hitch says. ‘He’s the ultimate guy who cries wolf.’ ”

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Wild fling: From comedy writer Jerry Perisho: “Former relief pitcher Mitch ‘Wild Thing’ Williams has been hired to be a minor league pitching coach. Is that a really good idea? It’s like asking Madonna to be den mother.”

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Trivia answer: Bill Russell of the Boston Celtics, 32 against the Philadelphia Warriors on Nov. 16, 1957.

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And finally: Baltimore Raven cornerback Robert Bailey, commenting to the Miami Herald on the Super Bowl and the rout of the New York Giants:

“We squeezed the life out of them. By the second half they weren’t holding their blocks as long, weren’t running their routes as hard. We took their will, belief, confidence.

“I’m sure Kerry [Collins] was thinking there were 11 guys on his side of the ball and 22 on ours.”