Missing the Ball

Low-definition TV lives! As proof, before CBS presents Super Bowl XXXV, here’s a playback of some of the offbeat, puzzling and downright forgettable broadcasting moments of the 2000 football season.

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Clouded Crystal Ball Award: CNN-SI’s Trev Alberts said in September: “UCLA will bring the Pac-10 back to earth this weekend with a humiliating home loss to Alabama.... UCLA can’t handle ‘Bama, physically. Maybe next year, Pac-10.” UCLA won, 35-24.

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Shortest Broadcasting Career: When oft-arrested, ex-Dallas Cowboy Michael Irvin was busted by drug agents along with a female companion in August, he listed his occupation as “broadcaster” and his employer as “Fox” on a police custody report. Not so fast. Fox, which had hired him as a studio commentator a couple of weeks earlier, dropped him from the show, though drug charges were later dismissed.

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Maybe It Was Supposed to Be for Michael Irvin: Fox Sports held a conference-call press conference to announce that broadcaster Pat Summerall would retire after the 2002 season. Asked to comment, Summerall said he had no plans to retire.

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Sacked: After he was fired from ABC’s “Monday Night Football” broadcast in the off-season, Boomer Esiason said of ex-partner Al Michaels: “Right now he has what I think he’s always wanted, and that’s a single-man booth.” For a few days. Then ABC added ex-quarterback Dan Fouts and comic Dennis Miller.

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Because He’d Be Too Tough on Quarterbacks Who Were Lefties?: One of the applicants who lost out to Miller was Rush Limbaugh.

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Make-Overs: Several youthful female faces were added to the broadcasts. Melissa Stark, age 26, replaced Lesley Visser, age 46, as sideline reporter on “Monday Night Football.” USA Today noticed that ABC began showing “full body shots” of its sideline reporters.

CBS’ Jill Arrington wore a tank top on the sideline while reporting one college game.

And Fox’s Jillian Barberie, clad in spike heels and skimpy outfits that showed a bare midriff, delivered weather reports and double-entendres on that station’s pregame NFL show.

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Eyebrow-Raising Weather: Barberie, self-described “weather broad,” termed herself a “delicate flower” one week while patting her bottom, which was shown in close-up by Fox. On another occasion, when it was mentioned that colleague Terry Bradshaw hunts in the woods, she declared, “That’s not all he does there,” and later kissed his photo.

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Once Was Not Enough?: USA Today’s Rudy Martzke noted that with Army trailing Navy 20-14 at halftime, CBS sideline reporter Arrington “grilled” Army Coach Todd Berry about the Cadets’ first half mistakes. Then she asked Berry, “How’s the first half been?”

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Maybe the CBS Folks Were Watching Fox: The Times’ Larry Stewart pointed out that a field microphone picked up several obscenities that could be heard during a CBS broadcast of a Pittsburgh Steelers game. “Was it too much trouble to turn the darn thing off?” he asked. The Steelers’ opponent? The Oakland Raiders (but you guessed that).

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At Least They Didn’t Say Jeremy Irons: During the Sugar Bowl game, an ABC graphic declared that Miami’s first touchdown was scored by Jeremy Schaap when it was actually Jeremy Shockey. Schaap is an ESPN reporter.

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Will He Be Replaced by Steve Young Next Year?: In a cellular phone company’s promotion at halftime of the Sugar Bowl, ESPN’s Joe Theismann had a chance to win at least $100,000 for a contestant if he threw 10 passes into a bulls-eye. He made only five.

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Huh?: ABC’s Miller made obscure references to such subjects as the artist Christo, the House of Plantagenet and climbing routes on Mt. Everest, prompting Howard Manly of the Boston Globe to write that he should “host a new game show, ‘Guess What I’m Talking About.’ ”

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Redemption for Boomer: The Washington Post’s Leonard Shapiro said ABC executives should acknowledge that the record low ratings for “Monday Night Football” in 1999 “were not the fault of fired director Craig Janoff, producer Ken Wolfe and analyst Boomer Esiason.”

After all, the station added Miller and Fouts to the 2000 telecast, had several exciting games and posted an even lower rating.

Maybe “Monday Night Football” needs a weather girl in the booth.

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Super Bowl XXXV airs Sunday at 3:25 p.m. on CBS. The pregame show begins at noon.