Flap Over Fake Critic Is Hollow Controversy

I should say upfront that I have not yet seen the Sony Pictures movie called “The Animal,” starring Rob Schneider, and that unless I am hogtied by masked militia and transported to a theater in a car trunk, it’s probably not going to happen.

What I don’t understand, however, is why everyone’s so horrified about the revelation that someone at Sony fabricated a rave in an ad for the movie. Fourteen-year-old boys are going to this movie to see if there’s anyone in the theater they can tongue-kiss, so I don’t think their sensibilities are an issue.

As I understand the plot, Schneider wants to be a police officer but can’t pass the physical test. After a car accident, however, he takes on the characteristics of animals and gets the job.

I’m assuming that with the strength of an ox and the brain of a mule, he joins the LAPD. But like I say, I haven’t seen the movie.

The flap involves the fact that David Manning, who does not exist, says for the Ridgefield Press, which does, that “The Animal” is “another winner!”

What shocked me was not the lie but the execution. You’d think in Hollywood, of all places, they’d have more creative people on staff.

Based on what little I know about “The Animal,” I’d have said something like:

“Best damn movie since ‘Old Yeller!’ ”

The same nonexistent critic reviewed the Sony film classics “Vertical Limit,” “A Knight’s Tale” and “Hollow Man.”

Not to digress, but isn’t the idea of an invisible critic watching the “Hollow Man” worth a sequel in the $80-million to $120-million range? Kind of a “Son of Flubber” meets “Sixth Sense.”

As for “A Knight’s Tale,” Manning called leading man Heath Ledger “this year’s hottest new star!”

Again, this is the kind of generic pablum that means nothing to the average filmgoer. If you’re going to lie, do it with gusto.

“Heath Ledger makes Brad Pitt look like Pauly Shore!”

I’d be happy to do this sort of work if there’s good money in it, and I have no problem with junkets, either. That’s where the studios ply reporters with freebies in return for raves, which is somewhat less inspired than just making up critics.

But when I called and offered my services to Susan Tick, the PR chief at Sony, she said she was too busy to talk to me. It was not a good day, she said, and she had 40 or 50 more calls to return.

“Refer them to me,” I said. “I’ll make something up.”

After I hung up, I got to wondering if there really is a movie critic for the Ridgefield Press.

Jack Sanders, editor of the 7,500-circulation newspaper near Danbury, Conn., told me that Mark and Jonathan Schumann, a father-son team, review movies for the Ridgefield Press. When I called their home, Jonathan got on the phone.

The way it works, he said, is that he and his dad will go to the same movie and then review it, so readers get both an adult and a teenage take. Jonathan is 17 and a junior at Ridgefield High.

I asked what he and his father thought of “The Animal,” and he said that based on the trailers, they’re not going to see it.

Why not?

“It looks like another stupid Rob Schneider comedy,” Jonathan said.

Now we know why Sony had to invent a Ridgefield Press critic.

As for “A Knight’s Tale,” which is still in theaters, “It wasn’t something I was really looking forward to seeing.” Jonathan did happen to notice a rave about “Hollow Man” attributed to the Ridgefield Press, and wondered what was going on.

“I couldn’t believe it,” he said about the fabricated blurbs. “I thought it was disappointing that a movie studio would be desperate enough to feel like they had to pull off a hoax.”

Jonathan is a little concerned about the impact this controversy could have on his career.

He’d love to be a film critic someday, he said, and he’s worried someone might think he was the moron who thought “The Animal” was “another winner!”

Well, maybe Jonathan and his dad could go see the movie and write their own review.

“We’d have to be pretty desperate.”

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Steve Lopez’s column appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday. He can be reached at steve.lopez@latimes.com.