Don’t Stack the Deck Against This Casino Plan
TO: ALL THE MANY CITIZENS FOR ESTABLISHMENT OF AN INDIAN GAMBLING CASINO IN VENTURA COUNTY INC.
FROM: S. CHAWKINS, PUBLIC RELATIONS COUNSEL
RE: MARKETING STRATEGY
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Guys: We can do this!
I know we got a little battered on our first try. But that was only because of a miscommunication. County supervisors apparently were under the impression that we were proposing something as outlandish as an Indian gambling casino at laid-back Channel Islands Harbor.
In fact, I suppose we were.
Anyway, live and learn.
Now another casino proposal is on the table. The Greenwood Rancheria band of Maidu Indians wants to build a hotel and casino near the Oxnard Factory Outlets off the Ventura Freeway. You and I know that this too will be a tough sell. But even in a conservative area, residents can be educated about the many benefits that come with casinos, including enhanced mathematical skills and a greater appreciation of the fabulous Englebert Humperdinck.
Because I am absolutely convinced that Ventura County will soon be known elsewhere only for its amazing, weeklong horse-manure fires, and that the lemon trees will wither and the strawberries shrivel unless we have a decent, Grade A casino, I am providing you with the following half-dozen “talking points.”
In your next media interview, service-club meeting or family dinner, don’t hesitate to make each and every point, repeatedly. If you do it enough, we’ll have ourselves a sophisticated, state-of-the-art gaming facility before you can say: “All-you-can-eat shrimp cocktail, $1.99!”
Everyone knows that a casino would provide sorely needed revenue to local governments and create many jobs for card-shufflers, cocktail waitresses and hotel maids. In addition, there are many intangible pluses that are just as important:
1. A casino will make Ventura County strong! At particular risk for flaccid biceps, senior citizens will enjoy a new surge of health each time they pull the magic lever of the so-called “one-armed bandit.” (NOTE: Please do not use that term in public. Try: “Rotating-Fruit Entertainment Unit.”
2. A casino will restore family values! Remember all those great times when the family used to play penny poker around the kitchen table? A casino is just the same, but with thousands of families, some of them even betting the kitchen table and the house around it. A bonus: Nothing--absolutely nothing!--brings a family together like choosing to live in the car for a while!
3. A casino will provide safe recreation! Right now, the most popular recreation spot in Ventura County is the beach--a venue riddled with dangerous ultraviolet rays, riptides and ravenous sharks. Casinos are mercifully free of such menaces, not to mention those annoying grains of sand. Bonus: No clocks mean no stress--and stress is the nation’s No. 1 killer. Double-bonus: No windows mean no shattering glass--a major source of injuries during earthquakes!
4. A casino will help the kids! As a parent, imagine your pride and excitement when you hear little Jennifer confidently say: “Dad! Isn’t there a .0012% chance of getting a straight flush when dealt five cards from a freshly shuffled deck?” (To be frank, we know some parents are concerned when they hear their tykes counting, “ . . . 8, 9, 10, Jack” but you can also think of it as a healthy head start on a habit that will last them the rest of their lives!)
5. A casino will make some people rich! Each and every day, someone walks away from a casino with more than he had when he came in. Do that enough and you can retire in Maui! Bonus: With the economy heading the way it is, experts say a craps table might just be the safest place to put your savings!
6. A casino beats the smell of burning horse manure, any day!
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Steve Chawkins can be reached at steve.chawkins@latimes.com or at 653-7561.
