As if You Need This, on Top of Turbulence and Scary Chicken

As most of my faithful readers know, I am somewhat anxious about flying. I recently made a list of the things that scare me most about flying, and I narrowed it to three: takeoff, landing and the stuff in between. Other than that, I’m fine. I’m a hoot at curbside check-in, for example.

My friends who frequently fly complain that airlines don’t treat you with civility. They don’t like it when airlines make you suffer through long delays without explanation, or when you check a two-suiter and they return it as mulch. And, oh, yeah, when airlines sit you next to a dead man.

Excuse me, Tony, when you say “dead man,” do you mean like someone who drank too much and passed out?

No, I mean a dead man. As in rapidly decomposing. As in, “I don’t think you have to worry about this guy snagging the last Budweiser.”

This happened recently on a Continental Airlines flight from Bali to Hawaii: The plane put down on a remote island in Micronesia and took on a middle-aged man in a hospital gown and two attendants. Seated across the aisle was the Beaulieu family from British Columbia: Donna, her daughter Teresa and son-in-law Dale Alexander. According to an account in the Gazette of Montreal, Donna had a hunch the man wouldn’t make it through the flight. Donna said, “I got to see him choking and gagging and frothing and everything. And his leg kept coming out into the aisle beside me. We were trying to push it back so the food cart wouldn’t run over it.”

(Gasp.)

Let’s back this up a bit.

1. What is this guy doing in an aisle seat? If anybody can be moved to a middle seat, it’s a dead man. It’s not like he’s going to complain about lack of leg room.

2. They’re serving? “Oh, miss, can I have some extra cashews? They’re not for me, they’re for my friend here, when he wakes up” (wink, wink).

In a written complaint to Continental, Dale Alexander said he had to go to the back of the aircraft and persuade flight attendants the man had passed away. Well, sure, he had to persuade them. The in-flight movie was “Dude, Where’s My Car?” Most people closed their eyes and tried to sleep through it. Only the lucky ones actually died.

Donna Beaulieu said airline personnel returned the dead man to an upright--and locked?--position and proceeded to serve the meal: “They sort of propped him up with a pillow under his head and tucked him in like he was having a nap.”

The worst part would come when the flight was over, and the passengers started filing out. They’d pass this dead guy and start wondering: “Hmmm, I had the chicken. Did he have the chicken?”

The Beaulieu family is seeking compensation for discomfort they endured during the flight. The discomfort ought to be worth beaucoup upgrades, huh?

The only reason anyone flies now is to get upgrades to first class. Nobody in first class would have cared if there were 10 stiffs up there with them--as long as they got the hot fudge sundae and the leg room.

Personally, I’d welcome flying next to a dead man. Next time I book a flight, I’m going to ask, “Got any dead guys on this flight?”

It’s a gold mine. It’s upgrades out the wazoo. I’d kill to sit next to a dead man.

In last week’s column, I wrote about being a “Phone-a-Friend” for contestant Ken Krantz on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.” I wrote I was miffed that Krantz didn’t use me as a lifeline on a music question. It turns out the question was: “Who won a Pulitzer Prize for musical composition?” The choices were: Duke Ellington, Charles Mingus, Miles Davis and Wynton Marsalis. It’s a good thing Krantz didn’t phone me. After 31 straight years of losing, whenever I hear the word “Pulitzer Prize,” I froth.

P.S. Krantz won $250,000 on the show. And I am the weakest link. Goodbye.