Garden Variety Discord

We’ve all heard of activities, from overspending and gambling to drinking and sports, creating problems for couples. But gardening?

Although nurturing greenery doesn’t delve a wedge as deep as some more errant behaviors, gardening can cause friction between loved ones.

Every spring and fall when garden chores mount, Dennis Glowniak’s “honey-do” list from his wife of 32 years, Kathy, grows unusually long. Though it might seem like a coincidence, Glowniak thinks otherwise.

“My wife has a few issues with the garden,” the Anaheim gardener said. “There are sections that irritate her tremendously--like the tropical blackberry vine area that she calls a death chamber because the stems with their big thorns sometimes whip out in your path. But her biggest problem is how much time I spend in the garden versus the time I could be doing couple things with her, like antique hunting.”

So when it’s time for major garden projects, Glowniak finds it easier to fib.

“If she goes shopping on the weekend and comes back and I haven’t done many chores, it’s more acceptable for me to tell her that I was watching football rather than working in the garden,” he said.

Malee Hsu’s husband of 25 years, Jerry, thinks she’s constantly in her garden.

“He tells me that if his body were green like a plant, I would pay more attention to him,” said Hsu, who owns Upland Nursery in Orange.

Other spouses are more subtle.

“I don’t think my husband resents my gardening,” said Orange gardener Connie Ortiz, who has been married to Henry for 38 years. “He has his own things to do, but I have heard him tell people that when I garden, I’ll be out there for four or five hours at a time.

“When I’m in the garden and it’s getting dark, he’ll call out that I ought to come in or I’ll catch my death of cold. That [warning] doesn’t stop me, though, because one of the places I’m most happiest is the garden.”

Besides time spent in the garden, another thorny issue between couples is the volume of plants that a gardener brings home.

“My husband feels that I have way too many plants, but I don’t think you can have too many,” Ortiz said. “If I spy an uncommon plant, I have to have it.”

Isabel Barkman’s husband of 28 years, Jon, is clear on where her loyalty lies.

“He knows that the garden is my first love, because I discovered plants before I discovered him,” said Barkman, who lives in Santa Ana. “He has nothing to worry about, though, because he knows I won’t ever leave him for the garden. In reality, I think he’s glad I’m usually in the garden because I’m not bugging him.”

Jon Barkman agrees that the garden gives his wife something positive to do, but like many spouses, he feels that the amount of plants can be overwhelming.

“I spend a lot of time trimming because she has so much growing,” he said.

Encroachment Can Be Cause for Clipping

Also at issue for many spouses is where the plants are growing. If navigating the backyard becomes a problem, the nongardener usually has something to say or do about it.

“When my husband has to bend his head down to walk under something, the clippers come out,” Hsu said. “If I see him with the clippers, I run to see what he’s about to do. Gardeners understand that sometimes you have to let plants grow long because they flower at the end of the growth. You cut them when they’re done blooming.”

Glowniak’s wife has had navigational issues in their garden on many occasions.

“I don’t have any grass in the frontyard; it’s all flowers and fruit trees, and it’s natural and flowing,” he said. “I like the purple fountain grass to meet the peach tree so that the grass brushes your legs as you pass, and I like to step on plants like mint when I’m on a garden path. Touching things when she walks doesn’t appeal to my wife at all.”

As a compromise, Glowniak lets his wife prune various shrubs and bushes if they bother her.

“We have wildflowers and California natives along one side of the driveway,” he said. “If she steps out of the car and brushes one of those plants, she’ll cut the entire border back to create a straight line.”

To the dismay of nongardening partners, many gardeners are overjoyed when plants enter pathways and take over.

“It gets very dense in my garden, and I like it that way,” Ortiz said. “To me, true gardening is allowing plants to grow where they want to grow. I feel that they have every right to be where they appear.”

Barkman’s garden is another beloved jungle.

“I don’t have a color theme, and I don’t care if the leaves match each other. When I buy a new plant, I walk around the garden until I find a place for it. As a result, I always have something blooming, and my husband really likes that.”

Over the years, the garden often starts to grow on the nongardening half of a couple.

Virjean Georgetti’s husband of 49 years, Felice, likes the garden now more than ever.

“He used to leave the gardening to me, and all he did was admire it,” said Georgetti, who lives in Huntington Beach. “The last five years I’ve been unable to do much because of illness, though, so he’s done many gardening tasks for me. He often grumbles initially about the work, but he is delighted when the flowers and fruits come in.”

Barbara Tinkle of Anaheim also likes to see her husband’s garden flourish.

“Stanley is definitely the gardener of the two of us, but over the years the garden has definitely grown on me,” Tinkle said. “He likes to plant and doesn’t much care about how it looks, so over the years I’ve started to go in and clean up after him.”

There are many ways to get your spouse interested in the garden, Stanley Tinkle said.

“It’s worth courting your spouse in respect to the garden, because one gardener doesn’t make the garden work very well,” said Stanley, who has been married to Barbara for more than 40 years. “Barbara likes birds, so I have plants that attract birds.”

Hsu gives her husband a tour of the backyard, filling him in on the plants that are growing.

“I point things out, and he comments on how beautiful something is or how it smells so good,” she said. “If you give the person a hint of what you’re doing and explain that certain things are dormant and other plants are getting ready to bloom, then he or she can appreciate what’s happening in the garden.”

There are other ways you can help your spouse coexist with the garden, Glowniak said.

“On the weekends, I encourage her to get her beauty sleep, and I get up early to work in the garden,” he said. “She also enjoys trying new fruits and vegetables, and she likes a bouquet of fresh flowers from the garden.”

It’s also good to point out that gardening is a much better preoccupation than some others, said Newport Beach consulting rosarian Lillian Biesiadecki, who has been married for 25 years to Richard.

“My husband is very supportive of my 500 rosebushes because he knows it’s where I find serenity, and he takes great pride in the garden. At the same time, he also realizes that the garden keeps me out of trouble,” she said. “He always knows where I am.”

Let Love Bloom, Then the Flowers

Biesiadecki has been involved in the Orange County Rose Society for years. While she thinks a spouse should be supportive of a gardener’s interest, she doesn’t believe that he or she should be forced to be involved.

“I’ve seen many partners get dragged into gardening when they’re not interested, and I don’t think that’s fair. If you want to share your passion with others, join a garden club where you can also learn.”

Biesiadecki also cautions against letting gardening become all-consuming.

“Relationships come first and then you should fit in gardening,” said Biesiadecki, whose two disabled daughters live with her. “If time is limited, work in 10- to 15-minute increments.”

And what do nongardeners have to say about the best way to deal with a gardener and his or her plants?

“Stand back and enjoy the garden,” said Jon Barkman, as wife Isabel smiled in agreement.

“And if it gets too overwhelming,” he added, “get out the clippers.”

Julie Bawden Davis can be reached at julie@daviscomms.com.