Back-Rubbing Political Activist Seeks Woman With a Social Conscience

He isn’t asking for much in his search for a mate. Just a woman who is single, in her 40s and not overweight. Oh yeah, and she’s got to want to save the world.

“Fun Activist Seeks Fun Activist.” That’s what his personal ad in a local alternative paper said. It ran for eight weeks, without one response. He modified it the next month with this headline: “Gives daily back rubs and cooks too.” Nada. Zip. Not a single letter or telephone call.

The problem, as he sees it, is this “moral desert” we call El Lay. Los Angeles seems full of people who are more interested in “quiz shows, celebrities . . . and investments [than] democracy and justice and what we need to do to stop the needless suffering of others,” he says.

“I think it’s very, very rare to meet a woman in this city who has a social conscience, who’s in my age range, not overweight, and is not already snapped up,” he says. “Out of 9 million people, there must be a few. But it feels like searching for a needle in a haystack.”

He’s tried online dating. “Too superficial. They only respond for my looks; they don’t even read my profile,” he says. Group activities. “The women are all too young or too old. Or married. Or too uninvolved . . . the kind of woman who considers herself an environmentalist because she recycles garbage bags.”

His idea of interesting dinner-date conversation? “The incarceration of hundreds of thousands of our fellow Americans for victimless crimes. Protecting the planet from the extinction each day of more than 100 species. The abuse and torture of people outside of our country by vicious governments the USA supports and arms.”

I wonder if he’s not a little heavy-handed, if his dates don’t resent being quizzed on their politics before they’ve had a chance to talk about their favorite movie.

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“Early 50s, but looks younger,” is what his personal ad might say. “Honest and monogamous, secure, good communication skills, good-looking, trim. Jewish, but open to any religion, race. Former journalist and author, now working as a fund-raiser for progressive causes.”

Like many single men, he came late to the commitment game. He spent his 30s and most of his 40s dodging would-be marriage partners. As a dedicated activist, he says, he didn’t want to be tied down by children or someone else’s needs.

In 1997, he married a woman he’d met through a personal ad. “I knew she was into animal rights, and thought that might extend to human rights,” he says. “Big mistake.” Last fall, they split up.

Now, he’s back on the dating circuit, begging friends and associates to help him find a mate. “It doesn’t have to be Norma Rae,” he says. “A doctor or nurse, a schoolteacher, a political organizer . . . someone who’s dedicated to helping others who are less fortunate.”

Dating, he says, is frustrating, “even though it’s a learning experience too. I’m working hard to remove that judgmental ‘activist prism’ and learn how to enjoy someone for whatever they are.”

Dating experts say middle-aged professional singles often approach courtship as they would a project on the job, with an emphasis on efficiency. Their expectations tend to be unyielding, their tolerance for the dead-ends of the courtship process low. Why waste precious time and money on someone whose lifestyle, political views or passions might not be compatible with yours, particularly when you can log on to a computer site or pay a matchmaking service to produce a list of prospective mates?

“When you go out to look for love today,” says Cindy Hennessey, president of Match.com online dating service, “you have to go after it with the same skills you bring to job hunting.”

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He didn’t come to me seeking publicity. I met him when I spoke at a fund-raiser for an anti-poverty group. Ten minutes into our conversation, he hit me with this request: Did I know any women who fit his profile that I might introduce him to?

I came up empty but got sympathetic nods from everyone I told his story to. As my never-married 40-something sister said, “You get old enough so that you’re finally ready for marriage and you know exactly what you want, and then you can’t find it or it’s already gone.”

He knows this column might backfire, might make him look like a “desperate oddball.” And in a way, I suppose he is. He’s certainly desperate to settle down with a woman he loves. And in an era of materialism and selfishness, his commitment to altruism and social justice might be considered refreshingly odd.

So how about it, folks. Do you know any fun activist-types, who might be interested in good cooking, daily back rubs and a partner intent on changing the world?