Sometimes Bad Things Happen to Good Parents

Among the first questions that emerged in the soul-searching following the 1999 Columbine High School slayings were: Where were the parents of the two killers, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold? How could they not know how troubled and dangerous their sons were? What kind of environment produces kids who destroy their peers?

It will surely soothe no parent’s conscience to learn that Klebold’s parents, in fact, were loving, attentive parents--good people--who were blindsided by their son’s actions that day and despaired in the outcome.

That average people, parents who love their children and try to do their best, can produce highly troubled children is the subject of this fascinating book by James Garbarino, author of the acclaimed book “Lost Boys,” and his wife, Claire Bedard. But explaining how kids can go so bad in caring homes is only one aim of the book. The authors’ primary objective is to teach parents to marshal their resources so that challenging children don’t plunge into lives of drug abuse, crime or violence.

Clearly, many kids (90% of all youth offenders who commit homicide, according to the authors) engage in crime because they are raised in abusive, neglectful and violent homes. But, based on research and interviews with parents, including the only interviews with Klebold’s mother and father, the authors shatter the myth that parenting is based on the simple equation of “you get back what you put in.” (Harris’ parents weren’t interviewed for the book.)

In fact, they say, bad things happen to good parents--things that are not necessarily in a parent’s control. The consequences of parenting actions depend, in large part, on the social context in which they occur and the temperament of the child. To be effective, parents must consider the interplay between their parenting strategies, the environment and temperament. For example, a child who is struggling to form close relationships with friends may be pushed over the edge by her parents’ divorce. A child who is a bully at school may become even more aggressive when allowed to see movies that are rated R for violence.

Against that backdrop, Garbarino and Bedard provide a realistic portrait of what parents are up against these days. They slam modern culture as toxic and hostile, saying that violent video games, sadistic and pornographic Web sites and rampant materialism feed the negative impulses of troubled kids.

The solutions offered by Garbarino and Bedard are not quick, easy or magical. First, they say, parents must not blame themselves or lose compassion for their troubled kids. Nor should parents cloak themselves in denial. Parents must understand, and accept, that their children’s world is far different one from the one in which they grew up. Parents need to gather enough information about their children’s world to understand the “inner life” of the child, the life he or she may hide from parents.

While not advocating a particular religious view, the authors offer a somewhat unusual piece of advice (compared with many parenting advice books) in advocating that parents utilize spirituality. Often referring to Buddhist beliefs, such as the view that compassion is fundamental to solving problems, they refer to research showing that kids who are engaged in some type of nonpunitive religious or spiritual faith tend to be buffered from many social afflictions, such as drug use or violence.

There are no cheery words of encouragement in “Parents Under Siege.” The tone is somber, and the authors admit that they can only provide parents with some tools to help them understand and manage their children better. They note that Dylan Klebold’s parents, Tom and Sue Klebold, asked only one thing of them at the conclusion of their interview: that the authors try to help them understand what had gone wrong with their son. The bottom line, the authors say, is that it’s not enough to be a good parent today. “We need to make the world a safer place for our children” too.