Don’t Harp on Prostate in Little League

News Item: Danny Almonte, the unhittable Little League Bronx pitcher, is 14 years old, not 12.

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Well, that didn’t take long. The word is out and every over-40 softball team and rehab center has put out the call for next season. Guys who never made it to the Big Show have one more opportunity to grab the national spotlight.

Seven months till the next Little League season. Plenty of time for face lifts, hair grafts, belly reductions.

Forgers are going 24/7 reworking birth certificates. The under-5-foot-7 Nellie Foxes and Luis Aparicios of bygone years are once again in demand. The only prerequisites: that they can still hit the curve and have yet to die.

Eighty-five-year-old Samuel “Reds” Sklar is ecstatic. “I’ve always felt my boy has what it takes.”

Little Dickie Sklar, now “12,” can’t wait to hit the diamond. “My family is behind me. This could be my last chance. My wife just said, ‘Go for it .’ ”

Little League officials, wary of another scandal, have put out the notice to be on the lookout for age cues: enlarged prostates, lactose-intolerance, Kid Rock ignorance, AARP subscriptions, Preparation H.

Some tips for those who think they can pass:

* Never ask for anything “diet.” Mountain Dew plays here.

* Never utter the word “roughage.”

* Never refer to the Beatles or John Lennon (or Julian, for that matter).

* Don’t mention that they play movie trailers way too loud.

* Don’t overuse the word “dude.”

* Never refer to your record collection.

* Mention how your parents used to wake you up to watch “Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place.”

* Always be ready to list which wrestlers from the previous night’s “WWF Smackdown!” got it royally.

* When referring to a phone, don’t make any circular dialing motions.

* Don’t call the umpire “kid.”

* No white belts or any type of golf attire.

* Remember: Nose hairs mean no play.

* You can actually cover liver spots by rubbing liver on them.

* Go to Venice Beach and without referring to your 21st century slang guide name the first seven in-line skating maneuvers you see.

* Use a Razor Go-ped--less stress on arches and other osteoporosis-type problems. Just don’t mention that you used to make similar vehicles out of a crate.

And always remember: You don’t stop playing Little League baseball because you get old; you get old because you stop playing Little League baseball!