Give Us Some Room, Oscar

This morning, as the sun rises to meet the East Coast morning TV shows, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences unveils its 2001 Oscar nominees. Fine, great, swell. Americans should realize that this annual announcement of cinematic congratulations is a blatant attempt to steal the predawn spotlight from the Clem, our fictitious award with a meaningless name presented for doubtful achievements in numerous convenient categories.

The Clems, long awaited by fans of superficial news that matters least but gets read most, honor people from entertainment, politics and sports. Dave Manning, the famous fictitious critic of the Ridgefield (Conn.) Press, raves: “The Clem ... a stunning achievement in commentary!”

* Former Los Angeles Mayor Richard Riordan was a Clem finalist for Best Animated Feature but lost to Yosemite Sam.

* Gov. Gray Davis won a Clem for his tiptoeing State of the State tax statement: “Fifth,” he said in the 102nd paragraph, “I will not advocate raising taxes.” “Advocate” is such a careful verb, leaving ample room for other tax actions. And three crucial words were obviously missing; their presence would have etched the sentence in public concrete. Davis did not say, “Read my lips, I will not advocate raising taxes.” The Clem for Parser of the Year.

* The Clem Award for Best Actress was a tie--Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton and First Lady Laura Bush--for their smiles when meeting at a Senate hearing.

* A Clem for grubbing went to the Salt Lake City Olympics for scalping its own tickets. NBC got Dishonorable Mention for tape- delaying the Games because the West Coast couldn’t handle such excitement live.

* The Clem for Unwarranted Optimism goes to whoever is president of Argentina today.

* The Clem Silver Smile goes to Kings forward Jason Allison, who never does.

* The Clem Not a Chance Comeback Award was to go to a simple shoemaker named Michael Jordan. But the statuette was revoked after his 51-point NBA game. The award instead goes to a congressman named Condit.

* Queen Elizabeth II won the Gold Chapeau Clem for Most Hats Worn in a 50-Year Reign.

* Treasury Secretary Paul H. O’Neill won for Finding Good News in History’s Largest Bankruptcy: “Part of the genius of capitalism is people get to make good decisions or bad decisions. And they get to pay the consequences or to enjoy the fruits of their decisions.”

* Democratic National Chairman Terry McAuliffe got the Clem for Sincerest Mock Dismay after scoring large profits on shares of another bankruptcy, Global Crossing Ltd.: “I feel bad for everybody who lost money on Global Crossing.”

* Finally, the Clem Career Corrigan Award goes to the navigation team aboard the Greenville, the nuclear sub that in three separate incidents has run aground and collided with two different ships in ocean waters covering 80% of the globe’s surface.