So He’s Not the Brightest Lamp Shade in the Room?

These people live among you:

C Lopez: “You have nothing but negative things to say about the Dodgers. When will The Times fire your sorry butt?”

My wife tells me I look good in jeans. Has she been lying to me?

Dodger Fan: “Nice article about the Dodgers--I go to bed every night thanking God I am not you.”

If you had any pull with God, Tom Goodwin would get on base more.

Jack S: “Please resign your position asap. You are totally unaware how stupid you come off to anyone who has an IQ bigger than that of a second-hand lamp shade.”

I hate to sound stupid, but what’s the IQ of a second-hand lamp shade?

Matt Breslow: “I live in New York City and wondered if you could send me a Lakers’ program or something I could put in my apartment to show everyone how much of a Laker fan I really am?”

No.

Costa Mesa Jim: “I played golf the other day with a guy who said he works for the USC Athletic Department. He claimed USC has had funding in place for a new arena for over a year, but it is being blocked by President Steven Sample. Sample is allegedly unhappy L.A. has failed to clean up the area around USC despite 50 years of promises and would like to find a friendly land baron willing to donate about 500 acres to USC. Could you check this out?”

I’ll call Sample.

Ashmope: “I’ve tutored elementary school kids that write better than you. And that’s no joke. Their are about four I can think of specifically--all under the age of 12”’

I believe that sentence should read: “There are about ... “

Paul Renteria: “Thanks for the great Lisa Guerrero information. Way to go on your investigative reporting.”

My wife thinks I spend too much time on the Internet doing investigative reporting-- imagine that.

Tom Cammalleri: “When did you stop liking sports?”

When I started getting e-mail.

Louis Valverde: “I was listening to the Jim Rome show and he was going over some of the reporters he likes, including ‘some on the L.A. Times, T.J. Simers, Plaschke, though I don’t like him as much as I used to.... ‘ How do you think Plaschke will feel about this?”

You know how sensitive he is--let’s keep that our little secret.

Bob Biel: “I just read some of your articles--you’re an idiot. If you have any guts you will forward this to your editors.”

Consider it done--the editors will be thrilled to learn someone has read some of my articles.

Rob Woodard: “Looking at the Fox Web site and following your recommendation, I noticed a fantasy button in the proximity to the picture posted. When I pressed the fantasy button I didn’t get what I expected. Darn.”

I was disappointed, too, but I guess it’s too early to expect them to have all the rosters posted yet for fantasy baseball.

Bob Ramseth: “When it comes to the Raiders, you can say what you want, and you are usually right. But leave Bum Garner alone. He’s my hero.”

Martin Weisman: “James Garner is a great actor. You are a not-so-great sportswriter.”

Hey, when they make the movie “The Life and Times and Hairstyles of Barry LeBrock,”--I’m hoping Bum will play my part.

J. Haynes: “Nobody wants to read about you embarrassing the PGA Tour players. Let me guess, 30-ish, loafers, divorced and a problem in relationships with women, am I right?”

Close. Fifty-ish, sneakers, married for 29 years and seeing Salma Hayek on the side.

James M.: “As a UCLA alum and someone who has watched Steve Lavin coach, and as a lifelong Dodger fan....”

Please, don’t jump.

Glenn Frost: “Where do they dig up guys like you? Tiger takes the week off and you take that as an opportunity to diss anybody you like. How would you react to somebody questioning your ability to do your job?”

You mean like in an e-mail?

Rollin Herold: “Your contempt for USC is bordering on ridiculous. You are actually cheering for Arizona schools. If you look at the replays, you’d see that Jason Gardner’s pivot foot moved before he shot it.”

It’s a good thing, too, because I would think shooting your foot would really hurt.

John Hegler: “What is the highest level of golf competition you ever played?”

A $1 Nassau with Dwyre. Automatic press when two down. A word of caution if you play with Dwyre--don’t let him pay by check.

Tim B: “You actually had the gall to lecture Steve Lavin about play calling. They should double his pay for having to deal with dummies like you.”

What makes Lavin any different from Jim Tracy, Phil Jackson, Pete Carroll and Henry Bibby--shouldn’t they have their pay doubled too?

Richard Young: “You’re so in love with Steve Lavin--why don’t you introduce him to your daughter? That way you can get rid of the grocery store bagger and UCLA can get a good coach.”

So that’s what it has come to at UCLA--a call for the bagger to coach the team.

Gregg Donshik: “Please tell me your golf column was meant as one big joke. If it wasn’t, I would vote you the most annoying columnist ever, the most prejudiced columnist ever, the most ignorant columnist ever, and most worthless columnist ever.”

Can they get all that on my trophy’s nameplate?

Joe Manis: “Just as you are not in attendance without Tiger, there will be henceforth one less person reading your column.”

Anyone who uses the word “henceforth” shouldn’t be reading my column.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes from Jerry Anderson:

“I like your column better when it is called ‘Newswire.’”

Enjoy it for the next four days--I’m going golfing.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.