Nets Are as Tough a Sell as Swampland

The New Jersey Nets will warily march today into the home of a team they could maybe, possibly defeat in a difficult seven-game series.

That team is the Clippers.

It is the New Jersey Nets’ great misfortune that they are marching in today to play the other guys.

The ones who will beat the ba-da-bing out of them.

Welcome to the NBA Finals, where every expert who thinks the Lakers will enjoy a four-game sweep over the Nets is wrong.

It’ll be the Lakers in three.

The Nets are nice guys, feel-good stories, and a fertile ground for cliche “Sopranos” references. But bringing them here after the Sacramento Kings is like carting in an appetizer after a big dinner and dessert.

The Lakers are stuffed. The town is sated. Everyone is content, and exhausted, and would like nothing more than to roll over and sleep for a month.

The Lakers: “Excuse me, NBA? Now you want us to do what?”

The NBA: “Please?”

The Lakers: “Well, OK, seeing as it will only take a couple of quick bites ... “

The Nets are here tonight for Game 1 at Staples Center because they were the best team in the Eastern Conference. That’s nice and all, but it’s sort of like saying you own the prettiest building in Newark.

If the Nets played in the West, they would have barely made the playoffs. The last time they played a series in the West, they were swept in four games, with consecutive midseason losses during visits to the Lakers, Phoenix, Portland and Seattle.

But at least they have those pretty cement-colored uniforms.

The Nets are basketball’s only team named after a piece of playground equipment, and dressed like a turnpike.

They play in a Meadowlands swamp location so unpleasant, the NBA is housing the media in a different state.

They have a history so sordid, Phil Jackson played 75 games there, yet is not listed on their alumni pages in the media guide, and doesn’t care.

“I try not to reflect on my days in New Jersey,” Jackson said. “Those were pretty bleak times.”

The Nets’ all-time playoff leader in points scored is Buck Williams with 380.

Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O’Neal have each scored more points this spring.

“I don’t think even the Lakers think we have a chance,” said Richard Jefferson.

He’s one of the Net players. Did you know that? Do the Lakers know that?

“I know all their players, you want me to go down the list?” Robert Horry asked.

Fine, who is their 12th man?

“Donyell Marshall,” he said, proffering the name of a forward for the Utah Jazz.

The most famous person in a Nets’ jersey may be Joumana Kidd, the noticeable wife of point guard Jason and a target of derisive chants at previous playoff games.

While their fans will be too polite to heckle, the Lakers can provide enough harassment by seating her next to an apparently unbathed Brad Pitt.

The most important person in a Nets’ jersey is Todd MacCulloch, a pleasant 7-foot Canadian with the term-paper-sized assignment of Shaquille O’Neal.

MacCulloch had the same assignment in last year’s NBA Finals for the Philadelphia 76ers, a job for which the 76er coaches determined he was so suited, he played for 31 of 245 possible minutes.

Scored in one of the five games, though.

This June, MacCulloch shows up with a new starting job and a fresh inspirational message.

“I’m big, and I have six fouls,” he said.

While O’Neal must shudder to hear such boasting, it won’t work. Against a team that doesn’t flinch, nothing the Nets can do should work.

Before Kenyon Martin starts his tough-guy posing, he should remember he’s playing against a guy who has acted in a prison drama.

Keith Van Horn’s sleepy three-point shooting will barely rouse the sleepiest three-point shooter in NBA playoff history.

And if Kidd thinks the MVP bit will work, well, he should remember that the Lakers have already defeated the league’s real MVP.

The Nets must attempt something unique to defeat the Lakers. In hopes of witnessing a decent series, I offer these suggestions.

They can surround Shaquille O’Neal and start chanting, “There is only one way to describe you. It starts with F and ends with T.”

They can sneak into the Kobe Bryant’s closet and hang up a Dodger jersey with the name “Perez” or “White” written on the back.

They can remind the Lakers that one more series win, and Mark Madsen starts dancing.

They can hound Jackson with a poster featuring Jeanie Buss’ head on Red Auerbach’s body.

Or, they can just introduce Jackson to Mitch Richmond.

If all else fails, they can attempt to paralyze the Lakers by convincing them that, no, seriously, this is Lucious Harris’ real face.

It’s a shame, really.

It’s the biggest series of the year, but everyone in town is still too wiped out from Sacramento to appreciate it, still too busy breathing into a paper bag to notice.

It’s the final dramatic leap toward a three-peat but, barring Coach Byron Scott’s ability to fit into a uniform and turn back the Rolex to 1988, it will feel more like a quiet stroll.

Not that the Lakers share this sentiment, trying to speak nicely of the Nets at every occasion Tuesday, with O’Neal even heaping respect on his opposing center.

“Did you know Shaq gave you props?” someone asked.

“As in airplanes?” MacCulloch replied.

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Bill Plaschke can be reached at bill.plaschke@latimes.com.