Searching for Excitement, Batteries Not Included

My wife always finds it funny the way I get lost, living in a little town while growing up and still not knowing how to go from one end of the city to the other.

Wait until she hears this one--she’ll just crack up. They have us parking in a different lot at Staples Center for the playoffs, so I came out the wrong gate, got all twisted around, took a shortcut through the Convention Center and found myself in the middle of Erotica L.A.

I didn’t panic. The folks in the porno industry are known for being obliging, so I went to the first porn star I could find and told Julie Meadows I was looking for the Lakers.

“So am I,” she said, and then she removed her dress.

I’m a professional, and I’m used to people taking off their clothes when I talk to them, and I’ve also been married for 29 years, so I’ve trained myself to not look.

I figured as long as I was here and the porn industry is like the No. 1 business in the Valley, I’d ask her what she thought about secession.

“Sex session?” she said. “Fine by me.”

I tried to explain the misunderstanding, but finally gave up and asked, “By any chance, do you know Bill Dwyre?”

“Oh yes,” she said, but obviously she was putting me on.

*

AS BORING as the playoff opener between the Lakers and Nets had been, I wondered what would hold more excitement: The second game of the playoffs in Staples or Erotica L.A. in the Convention Hall? So I went to work to find out.

NBA Commissioner David Stern was scheduled to give a 3:30 p.m. news conference in Staples to announce L.A. will host the 2004 All-Star game, but it didn’t start until 3:44. The doors to Erotica L.A., the sixth annual porn convention here, swung open at 4. That explains why I was breathing hard when I arrived at Erotica L.A.

“Have you seen Rick Majerus?” I asked. “You know, the basketball coach?”

Tawny Roberts, whom you might have seen in “The Sleaze Show,” pointed to her husband, 6-foot-9 Rick, who had played for San Jose State, as if he might know.

If I wanted to talk to tall people I would have stayed at Staples. “By any chance could you explain the Princeton offense to me?” I asked. “Majerus tried in his column, but he couldn’t do it.”

Tawny nodded, and for the next two or three minutes she showed me some things, and I had no idea that’s what they call “the Princeton offense.”

*

BACK AT Staples, reporters were working on their stories, and moaning about the lack of quality play. And we were two minutes into the first quarter. The Lakers went up by 10, and Michelle Pfeiffer had her baseball cap pulled down tight over her face, and nothing bothers a reporter more than a cover-up.

When the Lakers went up by 11 in the second quarter I noticed the seat next to Ellen DeGeneres was empty. I wondered if the exodus to Erotica L.A. had already begun. I decided to beat the rush.

A very nice woman, and I do have to say they have very friendly women in the porn industry, introduced herself as Christi Lake and said she takes applications from fans, and then, well, spends time with them. She asked if I was a fan.

I told her in my line of work there is no cheering allowed in the press box, and she seemed to understand. She gave me a gift for my wife, and said it requires only four triple-A batteries. I told her we’re always running out of triple-A batteries with three TV remote controls in the house, so I didn’t want to cause any more frustration.

I turned down a gift bag from the NBA when I picked up my media credentials; in hindsight, I hope it didn’t include a supply of triple-A batteries.

“You’re so lucky to be able to go to Laker games,” said Dallas, a representative for “The Resort at Sheri’s Ranch, the world famous brothel,” and I see no reason to press my luck by adding any further comment here.

*

ORGANIZERS TOLD me this event attracted 25,000 people last year. I called LAPD to see if there was a risk of being arrested. “Not unless you do something wacky,” the public information officer said. “If you see a public nuisance like someone getting naked, feel free to call me.” That’s funny, two Times reporters told me the same thing.

The porno folks asked me to sign a paper agreeing not to grope anyone or ask them to get naked. It was like I was dating again. I found it odd I was the only one being asked to sign a paper, but then I found the whole experience educational.

For example, I learned the value of eye contact. I was talking to one woman, telling her how dull Stern had been and how he could use a little spice in his life when I’m embarrassed to say I noticed for the first time I was talking to a full-size doll. To be honest, it wasn’t much different than talking to USC Athletic Director Mike Garrett.

*

THE NETS came within four points in the opening moments of the third quarter, and I’m glad I was back in Staples to witness it. I’m not sure--beyond the opening tip--the Nets will ever be that close again.

I’m going back East now for the next two games, and from what I understand there’s no Erotica N.J. scheduled to provide some kind of excitement.

I wonder if the wife would like to join me; it’s hard to know, since she’s not speaking to me these days.

“Talk to Mimi,” as I recall, was the last thing she said.

*

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com