Never Mind the Buzzer

Well, unless you’re from New Jersey, that was a fun series of basketball games, wasn’t it? We should have paraded last weekend. Of course, the Nets (that’s the name of the pro basketball team representing Exit 16W off the New Jersey Turnpike) really had no chance. Cleverly, the Lakers let them get close at times to boost TV ratings before commercials, as they toyed with Portland and what’s-their-name in Sacramento.

But this four-game NBA Finals minimum is a sham this year. As a result, let’s proclaim the Lakers three-time champions. This is sweet for the team and for the immense, disparate city that needs positive distraction.

Questions: If the Valley secedes, can its residents remain Lakers fans? And what should Los Angeles do about the rest of America, now eager to annex to this great city of the Lakers?

Those Eastern teams saw us coming this time. Philadelphia, Toronto and then Boston lost to avoid playing the Lakers for the championship. The Charlotte, N.C., team even moved to New Orleans to get out of the way. Are the New York Knicks still a team?

New Jersey is a cute little place tucked in between Pennsylvania and the back of the Statue of Liberty that gives New Yorkers somewhere dirtier to look down on.

Except for Hoboken, Hackensack, Newark, Union City, Elizabeth, Paterson, Paramus and Trenton, the Garden State has a lot of pretty, green places--but nothing besides toll roads and antipathy to New York and Philly to unite the state. Hence, the New Jersey team had a slim choice of names: Shorts, Shoes, Hoops or Nets.

Clearly, the Lakers have a dynasty, if not a real lake. The league should just cancel next season, ship the trophy to L.A. and save all those air fares and rubber shoes.