The Blurbmeister Unplugged: Watch Him Spin

So subtle, you won’t recall

watching it

--A line (unquoted in ads) from

a Howard Rosenberg review

It’s that time of year again.

Emmy nominations will be announced July 18, as if readers of Variety and other TV trade publications need to be told. Splashed across their pages now are critics’ blurbs (“Powerful!” “Brilliant!”) meant to sway Academy of Television Arts & Sciences voters in ads offering actors and shows “For Your Emmy Consideration.”

The Emmy spin arrives from many sources, including elderly civil rights heroine Rosa Parks, who has picked this moment, surely at someone’s urging, to write an open letter to the TV academy saying she’s “honored and touched” by this year’s CBS drama, “The Rosa Parks Story.”

At a recent forum at the Getty Center, meanwhile, film critics Richard Corliss of Time, Ella Taylor of L.A. Weekly and Kenneth Turan of the Los Angeles Times were asked how they felt about being quoted in ads. They were unimpressed.

Unlike other TV critics, I feel exactly the same way. In writing columns and reviews, getting quoted is never my agenda. Nope, not on my radar screen. No ego here. I have too much integrity for that. My validation comes from within.

Which I hope to make clear in this column.

Now you take one of my TV favorites, “The Chris Isaak Show.” Although a small quote from me appears in an ad pitching this Showtime comedy for an Emmy, looming above it is a monster blurb from Matt Roush of TV Guide, printed in block letters up to 4 1/2 inches high: “So COOL It Deserves to be Hot.”

Not that being overshadowed matters to me. Here’s the irony, though. When I initially screened “The Chris Isaak Show,” my first impression also was: SO COOL IT DESERVES TO BE HOT. No kidding. I even said to my wife, “Honey, this show is SO COOL IT DESERVES TO BE HOT.” She begged me to include that in my review, predicting it would be quoted everywhere. I refused, telling her I don’t write with ads in mind.

I could have used in my review, also, a line from my notes--one sure to have resonated, as well--calling Kristin Datillo’s cheeky performance as Isaak’s manager A TRIUMPH OF THE HUMAN SPLEEN.

And that Isaak’s show was SO FUNNY, EVEN MY CATS LAUGHED.

And that I LAUGHED SO HARD, I FELL FROM MY CHAIR, HIT MY HEAD AND WAS RUSHED TO A HOSPITAL, WHICH REFUSED TO TREAT ME BECAUSE I’D FORGOTTEN MY INSURANCE CARD.

These were in my notes. But nix on printing them. Stooping that low to achieve fame in an ad is against my nature.

Take another of my favorite comedies, “Everyone Loves Raymond” on CBS. I recall thinking when watching this series, NO ONE LOVES RAYMOND AND HIS FAMILY MORE THAN I DO. An ad-perfect quote? You bet. But I kept it out, integrity intervening once again.

While screening “The Bernie Mac Show” on Fox, moreover, I said to my wife, “BERNIE IS THE BIG MAC OF COMEDY.” She pleaded with me to write just that. Promote myself through inevitable exposure in an ad? No way.

Why, that would be as self-serving as writing, MY ENTHUSIASM FOR LARRY DAVID CAN’T BE CURBED, just because of my zest for his series, “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” on HBO. It’s true that when watching, I LAUGHED SO HARD MY HAIRPIECE FELL OFF, I SWALLOWED MY DENTURES AND MY NOSE RAN FOR DAYS.

No way would I want that in an ad, though.

And take another of my very favorite comedies. The day after screening it, I said to my wife, “I SPENT LAST NIGHT WITH THE WOMEN OF MY DREAMS, AND THE ‘SEX AND THE CITY’ WAS NEVER BETTER.” Plus, I had jotted in my notes, “SEX AND THE CITY”: WAS IT AS GOOD FOR YOU AS IT WAS FOR ME? Then I confessed to my wife: “MY LUST FOR ‘SEX AND THE CITY’ IS NO ONE-NIGHT STAND.”

Naturally, she implored me to feature all of this prominently in a column. Again showing restraint, I would have none of it.

Another series I’ve come to adore is also on HBO. Flipping through my notes, I see that I scribbled this: ON SUNDAY NIGHTS, MY FINAL RESTING PLACE BECOMES “SIX FEET UNDER.” I would have written that in my review had I not recoiled from the prospect of it appearing in an ad, possibly with my name attached to it.

I’m hopelessly addicted to that show’s entire cast, especially to Frances Conroy as matriarch Ruth Fisher. Knowing I’d be quoted, I could write that she’s as MAGNETIC AS ANYTHING ATTACHED TO MY REFRIGERATOR DOOR. But again, the glory of getting blurbed turns me off. Of course I’d have been widely quoted, too, had I written this about Albert Finney’s Winston Churchill in “The Gathering Storm” on HBO: I WAS SO RIVETED TO MY SET THAT I HAD TO BE DETACHED BY AN ACETYLENE TORCH.

While watching HBO’s “Path to War,” moreover, I remarked to my wife that Michael Gambon’s performance as LBJ had THE RICH, NUBBY TEXTURE OF PSORIASIS. For days, she lobbied me to mention that in print, knowing my blurb would make me the toast of the industry. Of course, I said no, once more unwilling to bring attention to myself.

By the way, I’D FIGHT A WAR TO GET “BAND OF BROTHERS” AN EMMY, but saying that in print would be a cheap gambit to get quoted in future HBO ads touting THE MINISERIES OF THIS MILLENNIUM. That’s not what I’m about.

Nor is having ads in mind while thinking that Kim Dickens and Harry Lennix gave SLEEPER PERFORMANCES OF THE SEASON on Showtime in “Things Behind the Sun” and “Keep the Faith, Baby,” respectively.

And that in Showtime’s “The Believer,” RYAN GOSLING’S EXCEPTIONAL ACTING MADE A BELIEVER OUT OF ME.

I recorded in my notes, also, that on A&E;’s canceled “100 Centre Street,” Alan Arkin and LaTanya Richardson each SOARS SO HIGH THAT I GET A NOSEBLEED JUST FROM WATCHING. But printing that would have broken my ban on catchy phrases designed for blurbs.

Uh oh. As I’m wrapping this up, it occurs to me that I have made a strategic mistake here, because my quotes in this column can now be used in Emmy ads, and I’m helpless to stop it. Gosh, I feel terrible about that. Well, too late now.

It wouldn’t be so bad, I guess, to have a quotable gimmick, one as recognizable as “thumbs up/thumbs down,” a signature that helped Roger Ebert and the late Gene Siskel build their franchise. I can envision my own customized version in an Emmy ad now.

ONE FINGER UP.

You’re right. This concept is not cool enough ever to be hot.