All Signs Are Discouraging for Bruins

From her Martha’s Vineyard hideaway on the other side of the country, the answer was clear as a starlit night to astrologer Arlan Wise.

The question came from reporters and was directed at UCLA basketball players Dan Gadzuric, Billy Knight and Rico Hines.

Why, oh why, are the Bruins so maddeningly inconsistent?

True to their Zodiac sign, the players tossed out inventive, vaguely intellectual replies. They are psychically intuitive, these Aquarians, but their excessive detachment and inclination to retreat from society make it difficult to provide concrete solutions.

The exasperated reporters moved on to guard Ryan Walcott, another obstinate yet progressive Water Bearer, but his comments were deliberately crafted to soar above the grasp of the prying media.

Forward Jason Kapono, still another Aquarian, spiced his elliptical ruminations on the state of the Bruins with surfer lingo.

During games, these five Aquarians are occasionally on the floor all at once, a development that causes Wise to make like a UCLA season-ticket holder and slap her forehead in dismay.

“[The Zodiac] rules your essential personality, your ego and your willpower,” said Wise, vice president of the Organization of Professional Astrologers. “Overly weighting a team with any one sign will have a profound effect on the group behavior.”

Now, some people don’t believe in astrology, dismissing it as new age mumbo-jumbo. But every other attempt at explaining the unpredictable nature of the Bruins has failed.

At this point, even the players are open to using the stars as a guide and the planets as something of a crystal roundball.

“There’s a ton of meaning there,” Kapono said. “It’s quite possible that’s the answer to our problems.”

Yes, it appears a perfectly reasoned explanation for the Bruins’ pogo-stick season--eight consecutive weeks of one win, one loss--has been there all along. Just look toward the stars.

The birthdays of nine Bruins are clustered into nine weeks, from Jan. 20 to March 23. The five Aquarians include three starters--Gadzuric, Kapono and Knight. The other starters, Cedric Bozeman and Matt Barnes, are Pisces, which follows Aquarius on the Zodiac calendar.

Is that why Bruin followers carp at Coach Steve Lavin for uneven recruiting and bizarre substitution patterns?

Doesn’t he consider the cosmic consequences of birthdays?

“Nope,” he said. “Never have.”

Had he consulted an astrologer--calling them “astrologists” risks their cosmically connected wrath--Lavin would know that filling a roster with Aquarians and Pisceans can be especially combustible.

Wise said athletes born under those signs like to make up the rules as they go along. They believe in team spirit and sharing the ball, but do not always play to win.

The water-bearing Aquarius and fish-symbol Pisces are more comfortable playing water polo than basketball. And players under both signs are susceptible to foot and leg injuries--like the ones that plagued Bozeman, Barnes and Gadzuric this season.

“Aquarius is an intellectual sign. Aquarians are stubborn and unpredictable, but they are team players,” she said. “It is a sign of futuristic thinking. Great inventors are Aquarians.”

So that’s what Lavin means when he says the team is constantly re-inventing itself.

Piscean athletes are susceptible to playing to the level of their competition.

“They are sponge-like, and when playing a highly competitive team they will become much more competitive,” Wise said. “I once had a Pisces say, ‘When I’m with you, I’m you. And when I’m with others, I’m that person. I never know who I am.’”

It’s all starting make sense. The Bruins defeated No. 1 Kansas because Bozeman identified with savvy Jayhawk point guard Kirk Hinrich, Barnes with rugged forward Drew Gooden. And when UCLA was upset by Pepperdine, Villanova and Arizona State, Bozeman and Barnes mirrored their less-talented opponents and paid the price.

Peppering a roster with Aquarians and Pisceans has far-reaching implications. The 2,150-year long Age of Pisces is coming to a close, leading to the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, as anyone who saw the musical “Hair” knows.

“It is this motion that we use to measure the cycle of World Ages,” astrology expert and author Ed Perrone writes. “Our physical, emotional, and mental bodies are still molded according to the Piscean energies, making the Aquarian influence virtually alien to the dominant aspects of our natures.”

Although his comments bear an uncanny resemblance to one of Lavin’s post-game news conferences, Perrone is undoubtedly suggesting that when the Bruins abandon their motion offense as the shot clock winds down, it is difficult for Aquarians Kapono, Knight and Gadzuric to get an open look.

The Bruins no doubt need to mix in a few forceful players born under Fire signs--Leo, Aries and Sagittarius. Or, at the risk of getting too technical, a player born under a fire sign in the aspect of Mars, the planet of passion, action and athletics.

Wilt Chamberlain, for example, had ideal astrology. Mars was in the sign of Leo when the late basketball great was born August 21, 1936, at 11:27 p.m. EDT, giving him a double dose of lion-like qualities.

Among the 10 players in Lavin’s rotation, only Andre Patterson and T.J. Cummings are untainted by Aquarius or Pisces characteristics (freshman Dijon Thompson’s birthday is March 23, putting him on the cusp of Pisces and Aries). Patterson is a Taurus, whose strong-willed nature accounts for his steadfast rebounding and shot-blocking. Cummings is a flexible yet practical Virgo, which also happens to be Lavin’s sign.

Not that the coach cares a whit.

“I’ve never considered astrology except to read my horoscope on Sundays,” he said, amused that anyone would consider explaining hoops by connecting planets, moons and stars like so many X’s and O’s.

Typical aristocratic Virgo, projecting purity and innocence while Rome burns around him, more attentive to the creases in his slacks than to the abundant astrological truths at his fingertips.

Bruin players and coaches say they can tell five minutes into a game whether the capricious team is going to play well. Alas, by then it is too late.

The Zodiac offers a more pragmatic course, a star map of what’s in store today, tomorrow and during March Madness.

Let’s take a peek at the Bruins’ March horoscope.

For Aquarians: “Speed and efficiency are the most important elements of your routine. Someone could try to negatively influence you, so be sure to stick to your own game plan. You aren’t afraid to push your body to its limits on the seventh or eighth [that’s the first two days of the Pac-10 tournament!].

“Your work and personal schedules become full on the 14th through the 18th [during the first two rounds of the NCAA tournament!]. Look for your metabolism to speed up and your energy level to rise on these days.

“Maintaining proper eating habits is a must the week of the 20th through the 26th [during the NCAA regionals!]. Fatty foods may seem to go straight to your problem areas.”

Well now. If it all comes true, by month’s end at least five Bruins will be fat and happy. Could that mean UCLA in the Final Four?

That’s when astrological charts say Pisceans are ready to step up: “March 30 [the day of the semifinals!] is a ‘green-light day.’ Lucky breaks happen to you. You should persist with your ambitions and not take no for an answer.”

Sounds like some determined Bruins.

It all sounds plausible to Kapono, long aware of the mystical powers of headbands and funky wool stocking caps. He won’t discount astrology, especially when the predictions are favorable.

“We need to look at the birthdays, it’s all possibly true,” he said. “With everything we’ve been through, as hard as we are to predict, I’m not counting it out.”

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PAC-10 TOURNAMENT

First Round, Thursday

at Staples Center, Fox Sports Net

1 p.m. Oregon vs. Washington 3:30 p.m. USC vs. Stanford

6:30 p.m. Arizona vs. Arizona St.

9 p.m. California vs. UCLA