Trading in the Five-Iron for a Louisville Slugger

Frankly, I needed a day off after making a hitter out of Eric Karros, a goal scorer out of Jason Allison before he got hurt, and entertaining Miss March, January, October and February at the Playboy Mansion. It’s a wonder I’m still on my feet.

Of course I haven’t had any time for the wife lately, so I decided to go golfing Monday and give that some thought.

I suppose I could have stayed home--permanently--had I declined sports editor Bill Dwyre’s invitation to participate in the 20th annual Padua Village Golf Classic at Red Hills Country Club. I just get tired of caddying for the guy.

But I was told The Times’ publisher, some guitar-playing desk jockey named John Puerner, was going to be in the tournament, too. That was a relief. I knew Dwyre would be preoccupied fetching drinks for the big guy, and while I have no idea what a publisher does, one swing and you could tell he doesn’t spend much time playing golf. That didn’t stop Dwyre, however, from gushing after every shot like he was watching Ernie Els hit the ball.

At the banquet later that night, Tom Lasorda spoke and I was able to catch a nap, so I felt good coming back Tuesday to work on my next project: Getting Shawn Green to have more hits than strikeouts.

*

“OH BOY,” Green said.

*

WHEN I arrived at Dodger Stadium I immediately noticed his problem: He was on the field holding a golf club.

“I’m not that good,” he said like he had to tell me.

“I know, you’ve got 23 strikeouts and 22 hits so far,” I said.

“No, I’m not a very good golfer,” he said. “I’ve whiffed a few times trying to hit the golf ball.”

I told him I wasn’t surprised, because I’ve seen him try to hit a baseball.

“It’s safe to say I’ll be over 100 strikeouts by the end of the year,” he said.

I was thinking July, but I didn’t say it. I was here to upgrade his play because Tim Salmon and the Angels are out of town and that might require weeks and weeks of my time and a trip to Lourdes to make a hitter out of him.

*

PUTTING A golf club in Green’s hands was right on target because it speaks to his problem.

“You’d make a great PGA Tour player,” I said after Green did a photo shoot for some golf magazine. “You know one of those nameless-faceless-boring players who make golf unwatchable if Tiger isn’t playing.”

“I guess I picked the wrong sport--because I like having no personality,” he said, and you have to have a playful personality to say something like that.

“I’m going to smile for you tonight. In fact, I’m going to go down to the cage right now and work on my smile.”

I might go the entire season at Dodger Stadium and get no better quote than that, and all this time I thought the guy was a walking dead man.

“I’ve always been unemotional like that,” he said. “I’m more into repetition.”

So what we have here is a mechanized drone in right field that seems to be malfunctioning at the plate, a lifetime .285 hitter batting .237 before Tuesday night.

“You might be like a messenger,” Green said. “What should I do?”

*

I MAY have to start charging our local teams for making them better.

“Baby steps,” I said. “First, we need you to have more hits than strikeouts.”

Green nodded.

“So I need two hits tonight and no strikeouts,” he said, and you can see how quickly baseball players pick things up.

“Next, we need to inject a little personality into your game,” I said, “You know, something the fans can see.”

“Should I get a tattoo?” Green said.

*

TWO YEARS ago I nicknamed him the “puddle,” because I felt he melted under pressure. He disagreed.

“Two years ago I thought I had to start hitting home runs to live up to expectations and it ruined my swing.”

Now some people think the loss of Gary Sheffield is hurting Green. He disagreed.

“I’m getting the same pitches to hit, but just missing them now.”

I said, “Don’t do that,” and I could tell it made an impression on him.

“I better do good tonight or you’re going to pound me, aren’t you?”

Green doubled in his first at-bat.

I wonder what I could do with Anna Kournikova--you know, could I get her to win a tournament?

*

THE STIFF, however, struck out in the third. The slug flew to left in the fifth and the bum struck out in the eighth. This may take more work than I thought.

*

THE TRUTH is, if this guy flashed the charisma, and even the grin he put on display in the Dodger dugout before Tuesday’s game, more often he’d own the L.A. sports market along with Shaq and Kobe.

He already has the Dodger all-time record for home runs with 49, a heart of gold as evidenced by the amount of money he has given quietly to charity, and model-good looks because they weren’t taking those pictures of him with a golf club in his hands because he knows what to do with it.

Now if he would just get two hits for every strikeout--instead of the other way around--and smile at his good fortune, I could move on to Salmon.

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Mark Quentin:

“Helene Elliott, Jerry Crowe and J.A. Adande are all much better than you. You are old, fat and could never get a Playboy model. Keep dreaming.”

You’re dreaming if you think Elliott, Crowe or Adande have any better chance of getting a Playboy model than I do.

*

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.