What the Sport Needs Is a Trip to the Juice Bar

I went to the Dodger game Wednesday afternoon and immediately noticed a problem: I can’t tell which players are on steroids.

I don’t know why baseball can’t follow horse racing’s lead, which places an “L” next to the name of a horse running with Lasix, and a circled “L” next to the name of a horse that’s a first-time Lasix user. Baseball could use “S”s.

If the Brewers had two “S”s and one circled “S” due up in the top of the ninth inning, my gosh, the anticipation, the excitement, and I’d sure like to think that Manager Jim Tracy would go to his top “S.”

When I asked Tracy after the game which of his players were using steroids, he said he didn’t know, so he’s got the same problem I’ve got. If he knew, do you think he’d waste reliever Eric Gagne on three Brewers who don’t use steroids?

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AS A parent, wouldn’t you appreciate an “S” appearing on the baseball card of your child’s favorite player, so he knows early on whether he’ll have to get used to needles if he’s ever going to be as good as his role model.

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CONSIDER THE statistical bonanza for Ross Porter if we added “S”s and circled “S”s.

Tell me it wouldn’t be riveting to hear Vin Scully tell us about that pivotal day, or moment in a player’s life, when he decided to go on the juice.

Later in life, if there were disastrous side effects, Plaschke would have something to write about. It’s a win-win for everybody.

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JOSE CANSECO and Ken Caminiti are in the news for suggesting that 50% to 85% of the players in baseball are using steroids. That would make 121/2 to 211/4 of the Dodgers on the stuff.

It’s all guesswork. For all I know it was 121/2 two weeks ago when they were being shut out for the eighth time, then they had a juice party, and now it’s 211/4 because they’re averaging six runs in their last 13 games.

I asked Shawn Green if he had been hooked up to some kind of steroid IV, because I remember him only a few weeks ago having difficulty even hitting the ball let alone driving it out of the park. He laughed and pulled up his shirt to show me his skinny belly.

That was good enough for me. There was a time when I was known as an investigative performer, and I know steroid users sometimes suffer from shrunken testicles and enlarged breasts. But if you think my relationship with Kevin Brown is at a breaking point now, asking him if his nipples are particularly painful or to drop his trousers just might end any chance at reconciliation.

Another tell-tale sign is if a player’s back breaks out, which probably explains why a lot of ballplayers--more than I can remember--are never seen in the clubhouse with their shirts off. But then I don’t take my shirt off around the house as much as I used to, and that’s just a Krispy Kreme problem.

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THE PEOPLE outside baseball have reacted with outrage to Canseco’s and Caminiti’s assertions--as if they had no idea half the players out there are risking their health to hit the ball farther.

As for the people inside the game, they are reacting with outrage to Canseco’s and Caminiti’s assertions because these two guys are breaking the code and talking about clubhouse secrets. On the bright side: Gay baseball players have been pushed off the back page of the New York Post.

As for me, I wonder if Major League Baseball would have to cancel the home run hitting contest the day before the All-Star game if no one was on the juice.

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AS LONG as steroids are going to be a part of the game, and imagine all the warning track fly outs if steroids were not a part of the game, why not really use steroids to save the sport?

Baseball has some real problems. From what we’ve been told, there might not be an All-Star game, there could be a work stoppage, and ultimately six to eight small-market teams could go out of business if something isn’t done to allow them to compete at the same level as the big boys.

The quickest way to make smaller markets more competitive with the big-city teams is to make sure all the smaller-market players are on steroids and the big-city players are clean.

That would give a whole new meaning to a broadcaster’s claim: “The Royals are really juiced to play the Yankees tonight.”

There is no question, according to experts, that in a short amount of time, an athlete can improve his strength faster through steroids than anything he can do in a gymnasium. I hope Derek Fisher is paying attention.

” ... Steroids can jump you a level or two,” Texas pitcher Kenny Rogers told Sports Illustrated. “The average player can become a star and the star player can become a superstar....”

With that in mind, I’d hate to learn Tim Salmon has been on steroids, and his performance could have been a lot worse if he wasn’t.

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TIMES PUBLISHER John Puerner took the mound at Dodger Stadium to throw out the ceremonial first pitch as part of the newspaper’s “Read by 9” program and a day at the ballpark for kids. As for his pitch, let’s just say if The Times employed paperboys who threw the way he did, you’d never get your paper.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Jimmy D.:

“I’d like you to get the word out and have fans at Staples ‘moo’ the Kings.”

Make it “moon” the Kings, invite Salma Hayek to the game, and I’ll get the word out, make signs, write a column and get it on the overhead scoreboard.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com