LAUGH LINES

Special of the Day: “The folks at Wienerschnitzel are testing a new item. It’s a hot dog on top of a double cheeseburger with a fried onion ring on top of that. I think this is part of their ‘Healthy Choice’ menu. This is one of their upscale items. You eat it and the scale goes up.” (Jay Leno)

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Lights, Camera, Action: “NBC’s next reality TV show will be called ‘The Next Action Star.’ They’re holding auditions all over the country for contestants who will compete against each other in a series of action-movie-like stunts.... Ideally, contestants will be physically and mentally tough, not afraid to take on a challenge--and fortunately, since they’re looking for an action hero, the ability to act isn’t a requirement.” (Ira Lawson)

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Biting Commentary: “A scientist in India said he has discovered a termite that can eat plastic. You know what that means? This could wipe out half the population of L.A.” (Jay Leno)