Watching Games on TV Driving Him Bananas

Most of us already know deep down America’s pastime is a total bore, which is why everyone shows up late for Dodger games and leaves early, or doesn’t make an appearance at all when the Angels aren’t playing over their heads.

Baseball is fun for an inning or two, but without beer, hot dogs or a couch to fall asleep on, it’s a drag.

Now that we’re into playoff baseball and the Angels have everyone hyped, a lot of people are making the noble attempt to watch an entire game in one sitting, which can be a painful experience -- especially when presented by Fox.

Fox has taken it upon itself to fill every dead second between pitches with something, which means we’re seeing something other than baseball for 2 hours and 38 minutes in a 2-hour and 49-minute game.

The Rally Monkey, for example, has made 368 appearances in the last two days, while we’ve seen Brad Fullmer come to the plate four times.

In the third inning alone Saturday, the Monkey dominated the telecast with Fox digging deep to tell us the Rally Monkey “throws: both”; “swings: trees”; and his “favorite band” is the Monkees. It’s pretty clear Fox is angling to make the Rally Monkey its next “American Idol.”

Now most homes don’t come equipped with air sickness bags, but Fox continued the nonsense by presenting us with “Rally Monkey Etiquette.”

That still wasn’t enough for Fox’s broadcasting duo, who bantered on and on about the toy as if it was the third member in the booth -- this after one of them had taken a Thunder Stick and banged it over the head of the other. I checked when the game was over, but Fox did not list Tom Arnold as a director for the broadcast.

To fill dead air, Fox has provided the expert analysis of Steve Lyons, who told us after the camera found a stuffed monkey sitting atop a fan’s head, “That Rally Monkey was looking like he was having a good time.”

I don’t know about you, but I had trouble buying anything he had to say after that.

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MUCH OF Fox’s broadcast is punctuated by the sound effects of racing cars as Fox goes from replay to replay, which I imagine is Fox’s way of subconsciously reminding everyone it also televises auto racing.

And when something does happen in the game, my gosh, it sounds like the Daytona 500 as we’re given replay after replay--whoosh-whoosh-whoosh. On Friday night the umpire called a ball down the left-field line foul, but Fox gave us 97 replays -- remember this is the network of jiggling excess (Jillian Barberie, for example) --suggesting the ball might have sent a piece of white grass flying into the air, which would have made it a fair ball.

Lyons, our expert analyst, said, “Is that a white piece of grass?” and then quickly added, “The umpire who made the call is one of the best umpires in the game.” He certainly wasn’t that wishy-washy when discussing the Rally Monkey earlier.

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FROM FOX’S viewpoint, the fans have become as big as the game with the camera dwelling on them, so it would be interesting to see how they would broadcast an Angel game in May when no one is here.

When Friday night’s game came to a stop, the Fox cameras took us behind the rocks and waterfall in center field with broadcaster Thom Brennaman, who is top-notch at calling the game, telling us, “It’s almost like going to Disneyland.” Lyons’ added analysis: “Almost.”

With so few runs being scored the last two days, Fox filled time with the Radio Shack Quiz, the Fox Double Box, the Pepsi Fan Cam, and the PCS Vision vote quiz: “Which do you prefer, the Rally Monkey or Homer Hankies?”

Now the problem is, I know people who probably gave that question a great deal of thought; I just wish I could tell you which way Bubba I, Bubba II and Bubba III voted. I’d imagine it’s the only quiz any of the brothers-in-law ever passed.

For added diversion, the camera sought out celebrities, spotting David Hasselhoff of “Baywatch.” That was breaking news; I had no idea he was out of rehab.

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WHEN THE game gets late and it is close, Fox is at its worst. Between each pitch, the camera will dart between batter, Angel manager, Twin manager, a fan with her hands in front of her face, the Rally Monkey jumping up, the pitcher’s eyes, some guy in the dugout biting his nails, the Rally Monkey landing, a fan with a Christmas tree on her head, a kid screaming. Ball one.

Now just imagine a three-and-two count.

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IN THE seventh inning, some kid dressed in a full monkey suit, and I have my suspicions it was Frankie Muniz (“Malcolm in the Middle”), was jumping up and down behind the Twins’ dugout, and the Fox cameras couldn’t get enough of him. Don’t be surprised if Terry Bradshaw shows up on the Fox football set today dressed in the same outfit. That’s known as cross-promotion.

The Angels romped, of course, and the Rally Monkey probably has won a spot on “Celebrity Bootcamp,” joining Kato Kaelin as a household name. Now there’s no telling what Fox will do to capitalize on this when the World Series begins.

I wouldn’t rule out every fan in attendance being urged to dress in full monkey regalia, giving Edison Field that “Planet of the Apes” kind of feel, which should set the table nicely for Tim McCarver’s nonstop chatter.

That’s right, we haven’t even heard McCarver yet.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Jennifer H.:

“Why do they allow you on the USC campus?”

To perfect the Trojans’ kicking game. Next stop: UCLA.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.