Bonds Turns On the Charm, but This Guy Is Not Fooled

It’s 3:30 p.m. Wednesday, and Barry Bonds, the most compelling player in baseball and the game’s biggest jerk if you believe Kevin Brown is washed up, is surrounded by Angels, and deserted by his own teammates.

The Giants have concluded batting practice, and it’s time for the Angels to take their hacks before the fourth game of the World Series, but Bonds is locked in an animated conversation with an attractive woman who works for the Major League Baseball Players Assn. next to the batting cage, and he’s not moving.

Tim Salmon is swinging a bat over his head to loosen up, and if he backs up two feet, he’ll club Bonds and the Giants will be forced to forfeit. The Angels have been hitting everything, but Salmon misses Bonds.

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BONDS COULDN’T be any more out of place, but he’s talking so much he appears oblivious to his surroundings. He has a leather recliner waiting for him in the Giants’ clubhouse, but for the next 33 minutes he stands there shifting from foot to foot in the middle of the Angels’ batting practice, and I know how much my lower back and legs hurt standing in place and there’s no way I could a hit a home run after such wear and tear. (Now is the time to add your own punch line.)

Maybe he knows the Angels are going to walk him all night, which explains why he is coming across now like Jay Leno giving his monologue. He’s swinging a bat for the woman, because he won’t get much chance to do it in the game, and if I was a woman and the best home run hitter on Earth was swinging a bat just for me, I might laugh at all his jokes too. (I’d swing a bat for the wife, but she’d call the police.)

Bonds and the woman are standing there in front of a hundred cameras aimed their way, and they look as if they couldn’t care less. They appear to be on a first date, and if I’m wrong, I apologize, but I can’t be wrong, because that’s how it appears. Bonds seems to be flirting, doing everything he can to entertain the woman, and doesn’t stop for a second -- even when the third wheel shows up.

Former player and current Bonds groupie Bobby Bonilla makes it a three-way conversation, although Bonds never once makes eye contact with Bonilla, and never once does Bonilla get the clue to get lost.

Bonds, who ordinarily gives off the aura he doesn’t like human beings, which include reporters despite what Brown might say, is laughing, joking, crinkling his nose, winking and carrying on the way you might if given 33 minutes to impress Mimi Rogers. (That’s 16 minutes more than I got, and I’ve never heard from her again; think what I could have done with the full 33 minutes.)

It’s a very revealing scene. Bonds is flashing a charming personality, so he actually has one, which makes him even a bigger jerk for going out of his way to act so unlikable. I make a note to invite the attractive woman with me every time I have to interview Bonds.

The batting cage get-together over, Bonds spots me standing next to Fox’s Suzy Shuster. He comes over for a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“That was a good hug,” Shuster says after breaking from his arms.

I don’t even get a hello. At least I know what it feels like to be Bonilla.

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I’M JUST curious, does it make a difference to you if your mega-superstars are also big jerks? I know how Dodger and Angel fans feel about Bonds, because they have the ability to e-mail, and they even nitpick.

“How come nobody picked up on Big Baby Barry Bonds being the only Giant player [in pregame introductions] to snub the nonstarters and staff by not going down the line like Dusty Baker and every other Giant starter?” wrote D.R. “You can tell from Big Baby’s smug attitude he doesn’t care if the Giants win or lose.”

Or, from Cindy, “Is there a rule in baseball against saying anything negative about Barry? Or am I the only one who thinks he takes a self-admiring pose after he hits a home run.... Isn’t that poor sportsmanship?”

If the Dodgers were good enough to be here, we know what their fans would’ve been chanting from the left-field pavilion. But what about sports fans elsewhere who don’t have a vested interest in who wins this California contest? Does it take anything away from Bonds’ place in super-athlete history that, if given the chance, he’d tell you where to go?

The image makers did a good job last year of softening the rough edges, placing his young child in his arms during his home run march, a la Allen Iverson during the NBA Finals against the Lakers. TV also brings the best out of the very worst with reporters sucking up to Bonds with softball questions to make sure he’ll talk to them again.

But send the kid to bed, turn off the TV lights, and Bonds is going to go out of his way to make sure you know just how little he thinks of you, and your place in his world.

Truth be told, of course, I can’t wait to see how far he can hit a baseball, which is everything that is so wonderful about sports. It’s also the great turnoff, which in this case will make it more satisfying if the Angels emerge the winners, and Bonds the big loser.

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TED WILLIAMS received recognition for providing the seventh-most memorable moment in baseball history before the game, and it’s probably not good news if we hear today he cracked a smile.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from

Ellen S.:

“You make me so mad.... I hope your wife never shuts up.”

No need to worry.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.