A Dream World Series, or Just a Dream World?

With only nine innings standing between them and winter, the Angels’ mantra today is clear: Desperate times require desperate measures.

If writing a World Series prediction column from a couch in a bathrobe isn’t desperate, I don’t know what is.

Game 6, Pregame:

Having long since run out of former stars to throw out the first pitch, the Angels ask Kevin Appier to show up early.

A member of the color guard singles up the middle.

An emaciated, long-haired national anthem singer on a smoke break from his job across the street as “Snow White” doubles down the line.

An overeager pilot ejects and parachutes down during the fly-over, then grabs a bat and clubs a three-run homer.

Game 6, Third Inning:

With Appier having settled down and held the Giants scoreless despite throwing 164 pitches, the umpires run out of balls.

A new batch is delivered to home plate by an acne-speckled guy squeezed into a Gold’s Gym polo shirt.

He winks at Bud Selig. He smiles at Barry Bonds.

He glares at the Angels, who become so enraged they erupt for 6 1/2 runs.

It would have been seven, but just before Orlando Palmeiro knocks a ball 480 feet for a homer, frisky Al Levine cuts the thing in half.

Game 6, Fifth Inning:

On his 258th pitch, the clock approaching midnight, Appier finally allows a run on a base-loaded intentional walk to Bonds.

Having been cornered in a nearby hospital before the game by some whiny, bothersome, sick child begging for a home run, Bonds thanks Appier for letting him off the hook.

Game 6, Seventh Inning:

The Giants take the lead by scoring six runs in a span of six minutes. The Angel defense is rendered helpless when Dusty Baker’s 3 1/2-year-old son Darren sits on the middle of home plate with a cheese sandwich and a juice box.

Game 6, Eighth Inning:

The Angels counter with a touchdown. The Giants come back with two field goals.

The Angels score a hat trick. The Giants retaliate with a triple-double.

“This ain’t baseball,” says the Gold’s Gym guy.

“And still nobody’s watching it,” sighs his new buddy, the Ginsu guy.

Game 6, Ninth Inning:

David Eckstein hits an apparent game-winning home run that lands just outside the Pond, where it is immediately picked up and traded to San Jose for some guys we’ve never heard of.

Final score: Angels 125, Giants 124 in double overtime.

“NOW who has the bad haircut?” Eckstein screams at the Giant dugout as he rounds third base and bowls over cute little S’more-stained Darren.

Game 7, Pregame:

The Angels show up for this ultimate clash wearing baggy pants adorned with little fire engines and dump trucks.

“Hey, if Bonds can play in pajama bottoms, so can we,” they claim.

Game 7, Third Inning:

The game, a scoreless tie, is delayed several minutes while baseball celebrates the winner of the American Express Most Memorable Moments Contest.

First prize goes to a guy whose delinquent card was cut in half by the maitre’d while he attempted to buy dinner at his 25th class reunion.

Game 7, Fourth Inning:

The Giants score first, tallying two runs after little Darren invites two preschool buddies to home plate for a sleepover.

Game 7, Fifth Inning:

Dusty Baker removes the visible end of his toothpick to reveal that, for an entire season, he has actually been chewing on the tiny ceramic head of Tommy Lasorda.

Game 7, Sixth Inning:

Fox reports that, according to an investigation by a sideline reporter who became bored upon discovering that baseball has no sidelines, Darren Baker is really not Dusty Baker’s son.

He is actually Benito Santiago’s great-great-great grandson.

Game 7, Seventh Inning:

Bonds gives the Giants a one-run lead with a home run during which he spends 20 minutes walking around the bases.

Garret Anderson responds with an RBI single that takes just as long.

Meanwhile, that same bored sideline reporter reveals that Kenny Lofton’s Game 4 bunt didn’t naturally roll fair, it was blown fair by a large-lunged man sitting in the front row along the third-base line.

Officials say the culprit, disguised as a sports executive, acknowledged his name was Tony Tavares.

Game 7, Eighth Inning:

Tim Salmon gives the Angels the lead with a home run on a Felix Rodriguez slider that he obviously knew was coming.

“I saw it all the way,” Salmon says later, before quickly changing the subject.

Photographs later reveal that during the winning at-bat, a man identified as Robert Daly was sitting in the left-field bleachers holding binoculars and giant sign reading “Slider.”

Game 7, Ninth Inning:

The Angels protect their 110-109 victory with two out in the top of the inning when, while rounding third with the tying run, Jeff Kent runs smack into a For Sale sign that has been hastily stuck into the ground by an anxious Michael Eisner.

Says Eisner: “I’m so proud of what’s-their-names.”

Parade Tuesday. Brokers Open to follow.

*

Bill Plaschke can be reached at bill.plaschke@latimes.com