He Lets Chips Fall Where They May in Mail Caper

The dogeared envelope in the basement of a downtown Minneapolis post office was smelling pretty rank by the time the FBI’s Joint Terrorism Task Force showed up.

The letter, addressed to Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-Huntington Beach), had been handled by a postal worker who later complained of a headache and a burning sensation. So the FBI and postal inspectors were called in to open the mystery envelope.

Its contents: a shriveled slice of rotten potato and a Post-It note reading, “Have a French fry.”

Postal Service spokesman Jim Ahlgren told the Minneapolis Star-Tribune that the incident was being written off as a prankish reference to the House’s decision to change the name of French fries and French toast to “freedom” fries and toast in its dining room. While investigators were not amused, it is not illegal to send perishable foods through the mail.

This was no mass spud-mailing; it appears that Rohrabacher was the only recipient. He suspects the sender heard him make “some passing comment” about “freedom fries” on a television program, after Congress fearlessly voted to rename its cuisine “freedom fries” and “freedom toast” rather than use the word “French,” which reminds people of France, which has accused the U.S. of being even more arrogant than its own patrie.

Hey, says Rohrabacher: “I wasn’t an advocate of the French fry issue, I just endorsed it. Most of us realize the French fry was created in Belgium anyway.”

Holden Shoots From the Hip on April Fools’ Day

The news was staggering in its scope. As last Tuesday’s Los Angeles City Council meeting was wrapping up, City Council member Eric Garcetti solemnly announced to his colleagues that he had just heard on the radio that Police Chief William Bratton was leaving the LAPD to become head of security for singer Celine Dion in Las Vegas.

“It’s a blow to the city,” he said somberly.

Muffled snickers could be heard in the almost-empty council chambers. Journalism students from USC watching the proceedings looked at one another in puzzlement.

Trying to hide a smile, Garcetti suggested that the council consider replacing Bratton with council member Nate Holden, a frequent critic of the department, and he asked Holden just what his use-of-force policy would be.

“When you pull your weapon, you shoot it,” Holden answered matter-of-factly.

The former police chief, council member Bernard C. Parks, questioned whether that was the appropriate approach. Holden persisted: “If you draw your weapon, you don’t bluff.”

Well then, Parks said, “You might have a problem with the consent decree.”

Finally, after Holden had been peppered with more questions, council member Dennis Zine took pity on the confused audience members.

“Excuse me, what’s the date today?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s April Fools’,” Holden admitted. He almost looked disappointed.

Davis May Never Hear the End of This One

In February it was Gov. Gray Davis who won the honors as one of the “Noisy Dozen,” a prize given each month of the year by Noise-Free America to those adding to noise pollution.

April’s honors go to another Californian -- Darrell Issa, the GOP congressman from Vista who made his millions in car electronics -- audio and alarms; it’s said to be his voice you hear on the talking alarms, warning you to back off.

He also belongs to the Congressional Automotive, Performance, and Motorsport Caucus (what, you didn’t know there was one?)

The group headlined its news release “Boom Car Congressman” -- just the size to fit on a bumper sticker -- and its spokesman, Mark Huber, said that “for Darrell Issa, a Noisy Dozen award isn’t enough. The man has made a fortune promoting noise and forcing it into the homes of millions of people. He has destroyed the peaceful quiet that was once a highlight of the American way of life. He has replaced it with violent, vulgar and unending noise. Darrell Issa deserves Noise Free America’s Lifetime Achievement award.”

Davis won in February for having signed a bill that the organization said would make it “much more difficult for police officers to protect the people of the Golden State from noise pollution created by hot rod ‘enthusiasts.’ ”

Points Taken

* Happy birthday, and just what’s in those candles, anyway? It’s the 30-year anniversary for CALPIRG, the California Public Interest and Research Group, and the public-interest activism group has in those decades taken on dangerous toys, inaccurate price scanners, pesticides, ATM surcharges and helped to midwife the California lemon law.

* A tea sponsored by the Los Angeles Police Foundation to honor women in law enforcement -- with the wife of LAPD Chief Bratton, Court TV anchor Rikki Klieman -- raised about $24,000 for the organization.

* Former L.A. County Dist. Atty. Gil Garcetti is the creative consultant for a new ABC on-the-runway series called (and this is what TV producers get the big bucks for) “The DA.” Cast in a recurring role as a reporter: Rikki Klieman (see above).

* Remember when California schoolkids had to construct models of a California mission using sugar cubes and Popsicle sticks? The real missions may be getting just as rickety, which is why California Republicans and Democrats are supporting a bill that would provide $10 million over five years to restore and repair the missions, the state’s most visited historic attractions, which Democratic minority leader and California Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-San Francisco) calls “national treasures.”

* Merced city officials are scheduled to decide tonight whether to go ahead and approve proposals to name a park after Steven Stayner, who was kidnapped in Merced and held for seven years before he escaped. It’s not a slam-dunk because the boy’s brother, Cary, was convicted of killing four women near Yosemite National Park.

* That bachelor on “The Bachelor” TV show? It’s Andrew Firestone, son of former assemblyman, wine scion and moderate Republican rallying point Brooks Firestone.

You Can Quote Me

“It’s sort of like trying to get tickets to a big concert. But we’re not going to sell out.”

Hallye Jordan, spokeswoman for Atty. Gen. Bill Lockyer, speaking about the rush by hundreds of thousands of Californians to put their names and phone numbers on a new state-run “don’t-call” list to block telemarketing calls. The demand was so great that it occasionally crashed the state computer system. The Web site, if you can get through, is nocall.doj.state.ca.us. Quoted in the San Francisco Chronicle.

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Patt Morrison’s columns appear Mondays and Tuesdays. Her e-mail address is patt.morrison@latimes.com. This week’s contributors include Matea Gold, Patrick McGreevy, and Jean O. Pasco.