Read This With Caution
Finally, in time for April 15, an exclusive explanation for the economy’s mysterious persistent weakness. Most Americans feel fine, if overweight. There’s no more uncertainty about possible war; not only is it here, it’s almost gone. But in economic decisions people still act worried, postponing major purchases, foreign trips and dental visits. What might cause such stubborn concern?
Disclaimers.
Those little warnings in small type or hushed tones that typically contradict whatever exciting good news the larger type just offered. The government sometimes requires them. Lawyers love them as documentation that they told you so, should you sue later because your knee exploded instead of healed. Disclaimers pop up everywhere.In fact, these ominous warnings can be paralyzing. Disclaimers may well be well meaning, like people who, upon hearing of your illness, voluntarily share their aunt’s very unpleasant experiences with the same malady, same medicine and, in fact, very same doctor. Thank you.
Peek at the small print on medicines. Who in their right mind would ever swallow anything that “may cause” insomnia, headaches, constipation, unexplained bleeding, blurred vision, vomiting, kidney failure, sexual dysfunction, joint pain or itching in inaccessible places? Avoid alcoholic beverages and grapefruit?
According to some garage signs, you might get cancer from parking there. Results may vary. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. Special rates may apply. Rules subject to change. Supplies limited. You must be this tall to read this. Only $9.99 (plus $32.50 shipping and handling). Caution: Wide Right Turns. Fines double in construction zones. Southern California residents only. Falling rocks.
No wonder the economy is stagnant. Given ubiquitous warnings of pending patents and doom, who could muster courage to do anything today other than cower in their kitchen and read lighthearted editorials?*
*WARNING: This editorial best if consumed before April 14. Reading this does not guarantee healthful benefits or a loan commitment. Not recommended for illiterates. Would-be readers should consult a physician before beginning mental exercises. Not all readers qualify for humor. Laboratory studies show that chuckling can cause coughing or choking, or provoke curious stares. Do not swallow combustible liquids while reading or choking. The State of California has determined that reading smaller type like this may cause squinting. Do not read this while driving, giving birth, using firearms or any combination thereof. Void where prohibited or if more than two Raiders fans are present. Nursing and pregnant women should not lick this page. Most Times readers survive each day. Nonexistent guarantee void in Nevada and other frontier towns.