Hollywood Is Taking Charities for a Ride
The idea that the meek shall inherit the earth is taking a beating this week.
Any doubts were dispelled in Monday’s paper, which brought more evidence that the bold and beautiful will always be on top.
For the record:
12:00 a.m. Dec. 26, 2003 For The Record
Los Angeles Times Friday December 26, 2003 Home Edition Main News Part A Page 2 National Desk 2 inches; 93 words Type of Material: Correction
Aaron Tonken -- A Dec. 8 article about event promoter Aaron Tonken on the front page of Section A said Bill Cosby had been sent a contract by the William Morris Agency stating that he was to receive a luxury sedan for a charity event. A Steve Lopez column in the California section Dec. 10 made a similar reference to the car. The article and the column should have made it clear that the sedan would have been for Cosby’s use only as transportation to and from the event, which never was held.
Reporters Michael Cieply and James Bates regaled readers with tales of celebrities grabbing all the loot they can carry home in return for cameo appearances at charity fundraisers.
Or, as one source put it:
“Stars know they can literally steal from charity.”
Hooray for Hollywood!
Rolex watches. Bundles of cash. Travel junkets. It’s all there for the taking, even for has-beens. All you need is a famous mug and a decent agent to handle the dirty work.
Look, I’m certainly no celebrity, but I get lots of speaking requests and want everyone to know that I’m available, and cheap. I’ll take a fountain pen and a bag of doughnuts.
It seems that virtually every type of human suffering offers money-making opportunities for the rich and famous.
Kids with developmental disabilities. Cancer victims. The deaf. The autistic. They’re all sitting ducks.
Ray Charles snagged $75,000 for four songs at a benefit for disabled children.
“Friends” star David Schwimmer -- who makes about $1 million an episode -- first refused to answer questions about an invoice that indicates he got two $26,413 Rolexes for appearing at a cancer research benefit in 1997.
Now Schwimmer tells The Times he never got any Rolexes, which comes as a relief to me. I’ve seen this weasel’s work, and if he got more than a Timex and a box of Milk Duds, he was overpaid.
Bill Cosby’s agent bagged him a $75,000 fee, $10,000 in walking-around money and a luxury sedan to receive the Humanitarian Award -- I kid you not -- at a cancer research benefit. A spokesman claims Cosby planned to give the money back, but the event was canceled.
Paul Anka agreed to a $100,000 fee and a Lear jet ride to sing three songs at a fundraiser for a Minnesota hearing aid foundation.
Or $200,000 if he’d sing only one song.
(Just joking.)
Anka pulled out after the first check bounced, and when the promoter sent a $1,575 Steuben piece as an apology, Anka responded with a note:
“The next box should be full of cash.”
My guess is that Anka got ticked off when he heard that former President Gerald Ford, who can’t even sing, got a much bigger payday for receiving the Special Giving Award at a benefit for 18 charities.
Ford, a bit addled these days, apparently thought he was getting the Special Taking Award, and gladly pocketed 200,000 simoleons.
By the way, the focus of The Times story was a guy you never heard of -- charity event organizer Aaron Tonken -- who pleaded guilty Tuesday to two federal fraud counts.
Tonken is the kind of man who, like Kato Kaelin, could find success only in L.A. The Canadian free-loader met Zsa Zsa Gabor at a restaurant and ended up living in her guesthouse.
Tonken tapped donors and underwriters for hundreds of thousands of dollars in contributions, then used the money to pay off credit card bills and toss gold and diamonds to celebrities who appeared at fundraisers.
Tonken won’t be sentenced until February, which should give the federal judge plenty of time to figure out whether there’s a legal way to have him hanged by his thumbs.
After singer Natalie Cole got close to Tonken, she sent him a devotional pamphlet and advised that he ask for “spiritual maturity” and “pray for guidance.”
The Lord apparently told Tonken to send $75,000 to Cole for her charity appearances, and the singer reached a new level of grace with jewelry from Cartier and Dunhill.
But it should come as no surprise that Roseanne Barr takes the cake.
In 2002, Tonken was cozying up to the comedian, hoping to be her manager. He had just convinced Barr to emcee a charity event, and one day, a frightening thing happened.
Barr got hungry, and not for tofu and sprouts. She wanted ribs.
Tony Roma’s? Not enough meat on those bones.
Woody’s? Not enough fat.
Barr fancies the Tunnel Bar-B-Que in Windsor, Canada, so Tonken decided to indulge an appetite that apparently knows no borders.
He chartered a jet ($48,351, Beluga caviar included), to fly Barr up and back from Van Nuys. It was another $11,500 for shopping and limos. And, of course, the ribs.
One more time, everybody:
Hooray for Hollywood!
I don’t remember what loser said it’s better to give than to receive. But whoever it was, he needs a better agent.
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Steve Lopez writes Sunday, Wednesday and Friday.
